Are you afraid you might be a feminist ally? Are you concerned that your interest in liberating humankind has made you acknowledge your privilege and change the way you interact with people who are oppressed by institutional hierarchies? Do you often experience feelings of weakness, fear, anger, helplessness, and/or (*shudder*) contemplative silence? Are you concerned that you should be sick of constantly listening to women and women-identified people complain about their problems and putting yourself in their shoes? Here’s a list of ways to help combat your ally status so you can regain your Oppressor Card and enjoy the benefits of all that comes with it.
- Stop listening. Fill all the time you would have listened with incessant, uninformed, under-researched talking. Make sure you talk over any women who happen to try to converse with you. Interrupt them often. But never, ever interrupt any men who may be in the conversation. You’ll never get your Oppressor Card with shit like that.
- Have priorities and values that drive your every move, and if a feminist calls you out on them because they’re privileged and oppressive, tell her to go fuck herself. Bonus points if your buddies hear.
- Ask feminists questions about feminism. When they answer, tell the feminists that they’re wrong, and/or that they didn’t answer the question you asked, and/or that in your experience, what they say couldn’t possibly be true and they must have been reading the Reality Book wrong. Make sure you represent the male perspective as often and as loudly as you can.
- Get a job working for a men’s magazine, a strip club, a porn production company, or as a pimp, and tell yourself that you’re doing sex-positive, female-empowering work. Refuse to listen to any comments otherwise.
- Develop a love of going to bars just to hit on the ladies — this works best on ladies’ night. Keep your feminist-ally rhetoric up to date just so that the ladies feel safe with you. The first thing out of your mouth should always be “I’m a feminist, ladies.” Then the ladies will be all yours, all night long.
- Tell your buddies you got laid last night and imply that you are now a better man than they are. This also makes the feminists stay away from you, so it’s a good tool to have in the ol’ toolbelt.
- Instead of telling your buddies to stop being misogynist assholes, encourage their anti-woman behaviors. Learn from them and participate once you regain your bearings. One way to start, if you don’t have misogynist friends, is to comment on every single woman’s fuckability. Is she hot enough for you? If not, what should she have done differently to attract you? What would you like to do to that blonde over there? Use these questions as conversation starters.
- Use violence to get your way and/or to make your point.
- Tell everyone, including feminists, that feminists aren’t doing anything, that all they do is sit around and complain.
- Not only aren’t feminists doing anything, but they’re divided! They don’t know what they want and they’re not efficient or effective! Make sure everyone knows about these divisions! And, by golly, make sure you either a) take a side or b) sit back, observe, and point out what everyone’s doing wrong. Because you’re the objective one.
- Demand cookies from feminists whenever you say anything about women, women’s rights, or gender roles. Pout if you don’t get them. Cry “Oppression!!1″ and “Female privileges!!!” and “Misandry!!!!” if they tell you you’re being an idiot.
- Defend unfettered capitalism, porn in all its forms, and your interpretation of the First Amendment to the death.
Just follow these 12 easy steps to regain your Oppressor Card. Once you have it back, you’ll be good as new and much better able to ignore those upsetting feelings of dismay and anger at the injustices of the patriarchy. Good luck!
If those first 12 steps leave you still unfortunately allied with the women’s movement, try these!:
13. Remind feminists that you don’t need to be a feminist/ally. It’s not benefitting you or anything — you’re doing all of this for them. Make sure they truly appreciate your help. Because they could never do this feminism thing without you. You’re very important.
14. Repeat, ad nauseum, “I am a feminist, I am a feminist, I am a feminist” to anyone who says you’re acting rather anti-feminist. Bonus points if you repeat this phrase while you have your fingers in your ears, so as not to impinge on your pure, unsullied intentions and clarity of vision for the future of the feminist movement.
Fabulous.
Thanks, zombie! :)
[...] Are you afraid you might be a feminist ally?…Here’s a list of ways to help combat your ally status so you can regain your Oppressor Card [...]
I’m taking notes, since even feminist activists need days off! Misogynists don’t get days off, so I guess their union must really suck.
Anyway, thank you for articulating this, as well as the previous post on the subject. It’s something that’s really bothering me too, but I didn’t want to write about because I risk looking like washing powder that demonstrates its effectiveness by picking on another leading brand.
That is indeed a risk. I was wondering whether it’s more effective for potential allies to hear this stuff from men or women, but I guess I just have to remember that if someone doesn’t want to do something, no amount of logic, emotional appeals, logic, or pleading will persuade them until they decide they want to do it — and that goes for potential allies, too. If they wanna be good allies, they’ll pay attention; otherwise, all this falls on deaf ears and the choir’s ears. Ah well. I’m glad you’re taking notes, at least.
Yeah, for a while I considered leaving a comment over at his place, because he might respond better to somebody whose position better matched his own (well, ostensibly), and all the other men who comment there seem to be MRAs. But then I saw how he was responding to what you were saying and realised he wasn’t willing to listen to anybody. Editing his comments in a failed attempt to make himself look less of an ass was the final nail in the coffin. And he’s apparently a WOMEN’S STUDIES MAJOR. Gah. At the risk of blowing my own trumpet (although not much), I have a better grasp of these issues than he does and I’m a goddamn FILM STUDENT.
/rant
Yeah, and the one he edited today wasn’t the first time. (Unless there was there another time that I missed?) He did it another time closer to the beginning of his blog — on his August 20, 2007, post, “Don’t feel loved? It’s ’cause you’re desperate and a loser.” I caught it then and called him on it — I should have seen it as a sign that he’s a dishonest, disingenuous prick. Yeah, the WS major piece is very disturbing — I’m not getting a certificate in WS, and people like him are part of why. I don’t want to have to fight my peers to be heard in a program that’s about me. I can’t imagine being in a regular class with him, let alone a women’s studies class. It’d be like talking to a wall. Fuck, I’m all aggravated again.
Not to de-rail, but you touched on my fear of entering into a Deaf studies program. Because, while Deaf allies are just as important as feminist allies (–I am starting to see your point about the wording), I’m afraid my mere presence would be oppressive the same way a man in a woman’s studies class can halt progress without saying a word.
And the reason I didn’t go into WS is it seems likely (particularly in this area) for the programs to be very dishonest and censored. I tend to think the politics of the patriarchy would inhibit any real knowledge or growth in that rigid of an environment. Teh menz feeling threatened and shit…
” And he’s apparently a WOMEN’S STUDIES MAJOR. Gah. At the risk of blowing my own trumpet (although not much), I have a better grasp of these issues than he does and I’m a goddamn FILM STUDENT.”
Would you think I am a paranoid conspiracy theorist if I said that I think the current trend of men majoring in women’s studies, and then going on to teach women’s studies, is an evil plot of the patriarchy to take control of what women are permitted to learn about their own history?
Would you think I am a paranoid conspiracy theorist if I said that you will get a clearer idea of how the patriarchy indoctrinates us as a film student than you will in course on what passes for women’s studies?
That’s not derailing, zombie, that’s a really interesting connection. I don’t think a man in a WS class would necessarily/inherently halt progress, but a man with unexamined privilege who wanted the class to be geared toward his interests and “needs” would necessarily halt progress (and inspire anger and fear in other members of the class). PFM sounds like he’d be one of the latter types of dudez. Likewise, I’d say (coming from my position as an able-bodied, fully hearing person — what I say *must* be taken with a grain of salt) that your presence in Deaf studies wouldn’t *necessarily* oppress the others in the class if you didn’t demand that the class go your way and you examined the ways that being able-bodied privileged you and disenfranchised others. But I can see where Deaf people might take your (or another hearing person’s) presence as offensive. Are all Deaf studies classes full of Deaf students? Or are they a mix of hearing and Deaf students?
In any case, you’re right: being in a position of relative power colors any situation where you work with people who are in positions of relative disenfranchisement. It’s always a Must-Think situation.
Would you think I am a paranoid conspiracy theorist if I said that I think the current trend of men majoring in women’s studies, and then going on to teach women’s studies, is an evil plot of the patriarchy to take control of what women are permitted to learn about their own history?
Would you think I am a paranoid conspiracy theorist if I said that you will get a clearer idea of how the patriarchy indoctrinates us as a film student than you will in course on what passes for women’s studies?
I wouldn’t think you were paranoid, because I think you’re right on both counts and I think there’s evidence for making these claims. But I would call you a conspiracy theorist because you are. And so am I.
I suppose it is relevant that I would not enter a course on the difficulties Deafs have faced in mainstream culture saying “Hearing people are oppressed, too!!!!!! Why don’t you talk about THAT!!!!”
Unlike the majority of the so-called “pro feminist” men I have seen online — not to say they are all that way, but I do believe there is a fair share of them that just see it as a way to Pick Up Chicks. Which is ironic in a really *headdesk* sort of way.
Re: patriarichal plots
I hate to say it, but from the comments I’ve seen of yours, bewilderness, you come across as one of those “man hating feminazis” (full snark intended). Do you believe that individual men consciously plot to keep women down? Or even women as groups?
Individual men — sometimes even well-intentioned ones — certainly behave in ways that support the patriarchy, but then again, I’m sure I do, too. I’m still working out the boundaries between who I actually am vs. who I’m told to be. But I tend to believe that the majority of men, if able to get past their social programming and actually have a discussion about feminism, would become feminists/feminist allies. Perhaps I am an idealist, but I think that most men *do* think women are their equals, they just haven’t looked past their priviledge to notice the disparity between their thoughts and what actually happens in the world.
Would you think I am a paranoid conspiracy theorist if I said that you will get a clearer idea of how the patriarchy indoctrinates us as a film student than you will in course on what passes for women’s studies?
Hah. During screenwriting class, I was explicitly told it was a bad idea to write comedy with a female lead that wasn’t a standard rom-com, because “it just doesn’t work”. Nobody else in the class wrote female leads at all, even though the majority of the students were women. Good times!
I hate to say it, but from the comments I’ve seen of yours, bewilderness, you come across as one of those “man hating feminazis” (full snark intended). Do you believe that individual men consciously plot to keep women down? Or even women as groups?
I won’t speak for thebewilderness or attempt to answer these questions on her behalf, but I will say that there is a difference between hating (individual) men and hating the patriarchy. It’s a common (and often intentional) misreading to take “I hate men who do such and such” to men “I hate men [full stop],” and in my opinion, this misreading does a lot of harm to the feminist movement. This isn’t directly connected to what thebewilderness said in her comment, but it’s connected to the overall message of your comment, ZZ.
Additionally, in my take on feminism and feminist theory, I agree with you, ZZ: I don’t think that patriarchal structures are necessarily “conscious” constructions, and the people who act to uphold them don’t necessarily “consciously” choose to do so. There are probably people who are aware of their power (privilege) in the patriarchy and choose to wield it over others consciously, but I would say that the majority of the dudes we radfems discuss aren’t aware of their privilege. That’s why we try to talk with them about their privilege — because it’s oppressive. One reason it’s so difficult for most dudes to change their ways — even if they seem interested in equality superficially — is that they benefit from patriarchal structures, and I think most men realize this at some level, conscious or not. Seeing your privilege for what it is — an unfair advantage over others that leads to others’ oppression — is difficult when you are used to and enjoy having it.
Basically, what I’m saying is, it hurts me to see women calling my radfem peers “feminazis,” even in jest/snark. thebewilderness is laying blame in the proper place: on the patriarchy. She isn’t blaming individual men — she’s blaming a system that privileges them over us for no good reason at all. She’s blaming a system that places men in the oppressor class (whether they consciously want to be there or not) and women in the sex class (also whether they consciously want to be there or not). In her comment, she is saying that patriarchal structures are seeping into even women’s studies courses — one of the last places you’d expect to experience misogynistic teaching practices and the perpetuation of stereotypical patriarchal structures. PFM is a women’s studies major and he STILL acts this way. What explains that? What explains all of the men who leave WS programs and go on to teach in them and who still (consciously or not) act in ways that preserve their privilege in the very structures they are supposedly trying to dismantle?
Check out this post at Feminism 101 (as well as any other related posts linked on that page) for more discussion of the issues of patriarchy, conspiracy theory, and “man-hating feminists.”
I’m at work so I can’t respond fully but — quick apology for “feminazi.” I didn’t mean it the way most people do (and I know y’all probably know that), but it was insensitive anyway.
I think I’m still a bit afraid of the consequences of being a feminist (the immediate ones, that is) — I talked a bit about “violence culture” in my intro to psych course this morning and got blank stares like “wtf is this crazy bitch on about.” I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if I had said “rape culture” (which is what I was really getting at) or “admitted” to being a feminist!
Basically, I still have a bit of that knee-jerk “protect teh menz feelings!!!” reaction when it comes to placing blame. I feel a little squicky blaming men who don’t know better for things like..well, PFM’s behavior (he is unexcusable because he’s a WS major and SHOULD know better). I mean, I spent nine years in an eating disorder that was mostly based around the idea that if I were thin, I would be beautiful, and then I would be relevant — or at least some man would want me. That’s a pretty misogynistic world-view right there, and it actively supports the patriarchy, but no one ever told me that it didn’t have to be right. I like to think that most men, if they knew better, would Change Their Ways and See The Light.
Thanks for the link — my required reading for the evening.
I am curious to hear the bewilderness’ answers to blaming individual men vs. blaming a group of men vs. blaming the patriarchy.
And, I apologize for coming off like a dumbass (for lack of a better term) some (most) of the time. Hopefully I learn quicker than some other people around the blogosphere.
Wow, good for you for bringing up violence culture in class! I don’t know how people *don’t* get that, but I think it’s great that you brought it up.
As for protecting the men’s feelings, I totally understand that reaction, and I often have to fight the urge to look out for, say, my boyfriend’s interests before I look out for my own. Women are conditioned (by the patriarchy) to sacrifice themselves for the sake of the men/boys in their lives — you see this happening from preschool with the girl giving her toys to the boys so they like her all the way to motherhood when women stay at home to raise the kids because the man’s job/identity/life/autonomy is more important than hers (these are just examples and are not intended to critique the choices that girls and women have to make in order to survive). The truth of the matter is that men are human beings too, and they are more than capable of looking out for their own feelings and wellbeing.
Besides that, one reason many men who aren’t feminists/allies “don’t know better” is that they don’t fucking have to know better (and they’re conditioned — by the patriarchy — to let women take care of the “petty” details of emotions and empathy and interpersonal connections). It’s not their freedom up for discussion every time feminism is the topic of conversation. Besides, like I said in your blog, treating women like humans isn’t that difficult. You know? I think teh menz can handle it. And I think yelling at them for not treating us like humans is, well, the least we can do.
You don’t come off as a dumbass, and you don’t need to apologize for your learning process. This stuff is confusing and sometimes difficult, but I really think it’s ultimately liberating to stop blaming yourself (or other women) for the oppression you experience. I know you didn’t mean the “feminazi” comment in the way that most people mean it, and I (for one) didn’t take it that way, but it did show me that you had some other concerns that I wanted to address. I’m going to email you a link to another site that I think would be really useful to you as you become more comfortable with, as you say, the “consequences of being a feminist.” (I just don’t want a link here because I consider the site to be a safe space, and this blog is relatively visible. Don’t want the MRAs bargin’ in.) I really hope you stick around and keep reading and keep learning and keep asking questions. You’re on the right track.
“I hate to say it, but from the comments I’ve seen of yours, bewilderness, you come across as one of those “man hating feminazis” (full snark intended). Do you believe that individual men consciously plot to keep women down? Or even women as groups? ”
Hello ZZ,
Are you a Rush Limbaugh fan?
No,I don’t “believe” that. I think that individual men consciously plot to do things that advantage themselves over women, and that the result is that women are kept down. What do you imagine the current kerfluffle over girls doing too well in school is all about?
How could I not think it. Men admit it when they say that they simply cannot tolerate their wife or GF making more money than they do, being better at something than they are, or being more intelligent than they are. Men write and read books about how to “score” on women as pick up artists. Men expect women to sacrifice for them, serve them, and be grateful for the opportunity to do so. Men are not blind. They live in the same cultures we do.
My half of the population is the default insult for the other half of the population.
I do not hate them, no. But, I will not lie about what I see all around me. I will not make excuses for behavior that is grounded in a sense of entitlement that has no basis in merit, logic, or decency.
I am old. I am shrill. I recognize a con game when I see it. It does not cost me anything to be honest.
I no longer need to pretend that I don’t mind being held responsible for everything from original sin to some guy groping me on the bus.
I do not think you, or any woman, can read “Women of Ideas and What Men Have Done to Them” without becoming shrill. It will piss you right the hell off, especially with regard to the current trend in “women’s studies”.
I don’t bite the heads off chickens, that’s a guy thing. I just tell the truth, as best I can, about what I see.
I plucked this from the pro feminist male thread:
“I think simply it’s a mixed bag as is Femininity so rather than being so general it’s more helpfull to focus on specific areas of Masculinity that might reasonably be considered messed up. Otherwise it can come across as an indiscrimate desire to emasculate, especially for Men who are proud to identify with many areas of there maculinity.”
This is from the current thread:
“I hate to say it, but from the comments I’ve seen of yours, bewilderness, you come across as one of those “man hating feminazis”
Here is a Twisty quote:
“Male violence against women is a humanitarian crisis the enormity of which is unparalleled in human history.”
Heaven forfend that women place the responsibility for this unparalleled humanitarian crisis on the perpetrators. They might come across as though they wanted to do something about it.
Heaven forfend that women place the responsibility for this unparalleled humanitarian crisis on the perpetrators. They might come across as though they wanted to do something about it.
Can’t have that. Women + autonomy = Very Bad.
[...] FEMINIST. In the end, it’s probably just as well that L from Editorializing the Editors wrote this post (as well as this, earlier) covering where Profeministmale screwed up, since I’ve been very [...]
I don’t think that patriarchal structures are necessarily “conscious” constructions, and the people who act to uphold them don’t necessarily “consciously” choose to do so. There are probably people who are aware of their power (privilege) in the patriarchy and choose to wield it over others consciously, but I would say that the majority of the dudes we radfems discuss aren’t aware of their privilege. That’s why we try to talk with them about their privilege — because it’s oppressive.
Thank you so much for saying this! I had a 6 month long “debate” with a woman who refused to even entertain the notion that a lot of the patriarchal structures and notions we have are held on an almost subconscious level by most of us. All I really wanted to say was “I just think we should all take a minute and think about WHY we thought a certain way about something.”
Anyway, you said it better than I ever could.
Absolutely fab! I’d praise you for skillful use of irony if I didn’t see these things really happening. So I’ll praise you for attentiveness and insight. Good job of putting this together :-)
Thanks, januaries and ororo, for your comments and for reading. Glad you enjoyed this post and the comments. :)
[...] rest of you, check this shit out. Tres [...]
*ctrl-d* *done*
Thanks.
I would laugh my ass off, but I’m to disgusted imagining that there are actually men out there like that- even though I’ve witnessed them myself. Very well written, I really enjoyed it.
All very good, but I think there is something missing from your list: Treating women as if all one needs to do is input the correct series of commands (in the computational sense of the word “command”) for her to become sexually receptive. The “seduction” community and “pickup artists” exemplify this type of woman-as-robotic-sex-toy thinking par excellence.