On apologizing and holding grudges

Tekanji has linked a discussion of the linguistic uses of the word “sorry” at Language Log. Basically, there are four uses of “sorry,” only one of which being an actual apology:

1. “I’m sorry that this is happening”: an expression of regret about an occurrence, not an admission of wrongdoing.
2. “I’m sorry for that person”: an expression of sympathy and regret about another person or creature’s situation, not an admission of wrongdoing.
3. “I’m sorry if that offended you”: a false apology, not an admission of wrongdoing.
4. “I’m sorry I did that”: a real apology, because it is an admission of wrongdoing.

This delineation, while important, ignores an essential implication of the apology: there is a distinct tendency among people of all ages and backgrounds to expect that a real apology — where one takes responsibility for one’s actions without hedging or contingencies — will delete all hurt and pain. Many people, I’ve noticed, appear to believe that the act of apologizing should make up for the initial wrongdoing altogether, that the person wronged must accept the apology and forgive the wrongdoer. If the wrongdoer apologizes sincerely — or uses the language of the sincere apology — the one who was wronged is expected to forgive and forget. If the wronged one does not instantly forgive and forget, if the wronged remembers and applies this knowledge to judge future actions from the apologetic wrongdoer, the wronged is then accused of holding a grudge. Apologizing is a display of power-over when it should be, at best, a display of regret, or, at worst, a display of submission to the wronged one’s ability to forgive and forget.

The US’s emphasis on forgiving and forgetting (really, there’s more emphasis on the forgetting half of this beloved process, which is part of the expectation that an apology fix everything) is left over from our Christian/puritanical foundation. Forgiveness is a way for Christians to repent for their sins to god, at least in Protestant versions of Christianity — they don’t just have to repent their own sins, but they have to forgive others their sins to complete their own repentance. This has given the Christian Right an uncanny ability to “forgive” in the most condescending ways — mostly because the “wrongdoers” (e.g., homosexuals, feminists, women) don’t have anything to apologize for or be forgiven for in the first place. Forgiving another person can be a way of (re)claiming power, of drawing boundaries, of respecting oneself and demanding the respect of others, but this potentially and formerly healing and rectifying act has become muddied with patriarchy’s dominance/submission fetish. Forgiveness is not forgiveness any longer — it has become, strangely, both another way for people to display their power over others as well as a mark of submission. If I can forgive you, then I can also pity you. I have the social collateral to decide whether you are worthy of my forgiveness. And if I forgive someone who has more social power than I do, I am helping to maintain the social hierarchy.

Apologizing and forgiving are part of an intricate social dance whose origins are lost to generations of abuse. Instead of remaining as performative acts expressing the intentions and emotions of the people involved, apologizing and forgiving are rather performative acts displaying various levels of social, cultural and interpersonal dominance, requiring the submission of others to maintain order.

We all know by now that when the patriarchy gets involved, things get royally fucked up. And the patriarchy is fundamental to our current understanding of apologies and forgiveness; we can’t escape the patriarchal lens filtering our beliefs about what it means to apologize and to forgive.

Thus, I believe that there is some power in holding grudges. We live in a culture where apologies are usually fake (”I’m sorry if . . .”) or insincere and where forgiveness is yet another flagrant display of dominance or a way of showing that “empowered submission” sex-positivism likes so well. There are few options remaining for people who have been wronged. Grudge-bearing is one of them.

There’s quite a bit of evidence and pseudo-evidence showing a negative correlation between grudge-holding and health — the longer you “nurse” a grudge (note the commonly feminized verb there), the worse your health is likely to become. I do agree that holding a grudge for a long time will likely impact a person’s health and outlook on life. However, I don’t agree with the implication of this evidence that anything other than forgiveness is grudge-bearing and therefore not only harmful to a person’s long-term health, but also an indication of “mental imbalance.”

Besides that, I think that the definition of grudge-holding is gendered: when men hold grudges, they are often seen as interested in seeking revenge, and images of Hamlet avenging his father-king’s death materialize. On the other hand, when women hold grudges, they are hateful bitches who stupidly rehash long-dead hurts and get off on dragging everyone around them into petty cat-fights. This, of course, isn’t true of everyone who has ever held a grudge. But we are a hero-worshiping culture, and we take great pleasure in echoing the hero’s journey in nearly all of our cultural artifacts (who doesn’t love the Star Wars movies and all of their sycophants? [answer: feminists]). Men’s “journeys” into grudge-bearing and revenge are deemed heroic while women’s are decried as petty non-issues. Female heroines, if they are to be heroines, must be forgiving, kind, and generous. Male heroes are best when they are seeking revenge for some personal, long-dead hurt. We already respect the power of holding grudges, but we only respect it when it is couched in hero terms, which are necessarily masculinist.

Therefore, I proclaim the following:

Women holding a grudge is a feminist act.

Let me explain.

Holding a grudge requires remembering what happened to you. Holding a grudge recognizes that apologies are often empty, fake, political, or disingenuous. Holding a grudge acknowledges reality, the reality of a harm done and the reality of what that harm means about the person who did it. Holding a grudge recognizes that sometimes — if not often — an apology just isn’t enough. Holding a grudge is a slap in the face to patriarchal asshats who would say that women’s memories of the harms done against them are wrong, lies, impossible, or not a big deal.

However, holding a grudge does not necessarily require that the wronged person seek revenge against the wrongdoer, nor that the grudge-bearer act or think in terms of violence, as these would be yet more incantations of the annoying, overdone Campbellian monomyth. Holding a grudge is another way of saying “I remember what you did, and it’s not okay, no matter how much you regret doing it.”

Holding a grudge is a way for the disempowered, the marginalized, the fringe-sitters, to draw a boundary and maintain it. And women are generally disempowered and marginalized.

Women have endured a lot of harm, and they have heard many apologies. Many of them have probably also forgiven the people who hurt them. The patriarchy, manifested in the Christian Right in the US and their executive theocrat G-Dub in the White House, wants us to forgive and, most importantly, to forget. If we don’t remember and remind others of previous harms, those who wish to dominate us can continue to hurt us with their dominance, to continue to force us into submission. If we forgive our debtors, we are vested with the false notion that we have empowered ourselves, that we have drawn a boundary that will not be trespassed again. If we forgive those who have hurt us, we are allowing the patriarchy to continue.

Now, I’m not saying that people who forgive others are weak or are patriarchy-appeasers or that forgiveness offers no solace. I’m not saying that holding a grudge is always healthy or productive. And I’m not saying that forgiveness is always forgetting. I’m saying that holding a grudge isn’t the Very Bad Thing that the mainstream, from doctors to therapists to pastors to moms, maintains it is. I’m saying that holding a grudge is different and more important for women than it is for men. And I’m saying that holding a grudge does not necessarily mean an obsession with revenge.

I hold a grudge against the man who sexually assaulted me. He apologized to me after he assaulted me, in the “sincere” way of #4 way up at the top there (or at least he didn’t make a contingent “if” apology — I didn’t administer a lie-detector test, so I can’t tell if he was sincere). I did not and do not forgive him for what he did to me. I hold a grudge. I remember what he did, and I make meaning of his actions. If he raped me, then he is a rapist, even if he apologized, even if he never assaults another woman ever again. No apology will ever change the fact that he is a rapist, and my life is not improved by forgiving him and forgetting (or being expected to forget) that it happened.

The only thing that could make it better is for it never to have happened at all — not an apology, not forgiving. But since it did happen, I’m not going to make life easier for him or dudes like him by forgiving him.

When women hold grudges, when they speak up about their experiences, when they don’t let men forget what men have done, when they remember and re-member their pasts, they are fighting patriarchal pressure to forget, to submit, to forgive, to acquit criminals of their crimes. They are honoring themselves and their ability to survive and thrive in spite of men hellbent on stopping them.

If you’re a grudge-holder or just not into forgiveness, have at it. Indulge yourself. As for the negative effects of holding grudges on your health, consider this: if you’re a woman, you’re already “mentally imbalanced” in the patriarchy anyway. And if not that, then you’re likely already a lot of stress anyway, what with street harassment, abuse, sexism, assault, unequal pay, almost total responsibility for birth control, judgment for your sexuality, clothing, hairstyle, weight, etc., and so on. Holding a grudge or eight won’t significantly impact your health one way or the other. But with all the energy you have from not pretending about the past, not forgiving assholes who don’t deserve it, and not forgetting-but-not-really-forgetting the shit you’ve endured, you’ll probably be more willing and able to fuck up the patriarchy. Which is really the point of all this.