On the last post about apologies, Nine Deuce commented about women “apologizing” more often than men. In my research for the last post, I ran across an article titled, “Men Have a Harder Time Forgiving than Women Do” at ScienceDaily.
That women forgive more easily as well as apologize more often than men do either exposes the gender binary inherent to the apology-and-forgiveness cycle. Where there’s a gender binary, there’s sexism and double standards. And, as I wrote previously, both apologizing and forgiving have a distinct potential to signal submission (this signal, of course, depends on the context — an apology can strengthen someone’s powerful status, and forgiveness can be condescending), which is exactly what patriarchy expects of women: complete, total, unending submission. What makes this a double standard is that men don’t have to apologize or forgive as often as women do. Not apologizing will not adversely affect men’s physical safety. Not forgiving merely cements men’s role as the stoic, emotionless, unaffected half of the population. But I’ll return to forgiveness in the next post. This post is about apologizing and being female.
Women are trained from birth to defer to men. We aren’t supposed to matter at all, and our mere presence is often enough to offend. Additionally, we have learned to keep a keen eye out for the wellbeing of the men around us — if they aren’t happy, they are more likely to hurt us. Women learn early on that an apology is a quick, efficient way to stem problems and to prevent more damage. Because of this quick, efficient training, many women have taken to apologizing as a hedging tactic, a sort of verbal tic that spills without thought from women’s mouths to dispel any problems.
Full disclosure: I am a serial apologizer. I apologize — often to dudes, specifically my partner — for no good reason all the time. Or at least until pretty recently. I apologize for things that don’t matter and for things that aren’t my fault. I apologize for my opinions, and not in the pseudo-witty “I’m sorry but . . . ” way. I apologize for having feelings, for expressing my feelings, for not having feelings, for not expressing any feelings. I apologize to make what I have to say more palatable. I make frequent use of the apology-hedge.
Since dating my current partner, I have become more aware of this tendency to apologize without cause. As I stated in the last post, one reason for my heightened awareness is that I have made more of an effort to make only sincere, real apologies. But the other reason for my self-reflection is that I apologize to my male partner when I don’t need to, and it’s fucking annoying for both of us. (For which, of course, I apologize.)
Even though I’m fighting it, I am addicted to apologizing. When I apologize — when situations are tense, when I’ve said or done something out of the ordinary but not hurtful or wrong, when something beyond my control has gone wrong — I feel better. All feels right with the world when I apologize unnecessarily. I am back to being the ever responsible, ever deferential girlfriend, the position I have been trained to fulfill and, unfortunately, enjoy because it’s comfortable. In my head, I know I’d rather be L: confident, strong, independent. But it’s difficult to deny the attraction of apologizing and making everything feel normal again.
Yeah, I’ve got a little internalized misogyny goin’ on.
In addition to typical cultural indoctrination, I think much of my apology-hedging is a product of having been in an emotionally abusive relationship with the man who assaulted me (against whom I still hold a grudge, of course). He rarely apologized, and if he did, it was one of the fake apologies that doesn’t actually mean anything. And he started so many fights with me, and was so clever about turning everything into my fault and my problem, that I learned that one way to stop the fights was to apologize. One way to prevent them from happening in the first place, I also learned, was to apologize — preemptive apologies are a very effective way of returning life to normal, which is one of the major goals of the apology-hedge. If I could just apologize — so that the idiot asshole could take it as my acceptance of blame rather than the linguistic self-preservation tactic it really was — I could go on with my life with less of his crap.
Now, since being out of that relationship for almost a year and a half now, I work diligently not to apologize unless I really need to. I think I’ve been relatively successful in the last few months. I have made it a mental habit to ask myself whether I have any role to play in whatever I feel the need to apologize for. Usually, I find that I don’t have any role whatsoever. Another thing that helps me not to hedge-apologize is to have something else to say in conversations where I would normally apologize. I’ve found that “That’s unfortunate” or “That’s a major bummer” work well as pacifiers without implicating me as a player in a situation gone awry.
The most important thing that has helped me stop hedge-apologizing is having the confidence to know that I have reasons for doing what I do and the clarity of mind to remember who’s responsible for what. I ask myself, “L, do you have any control over this thing you’re about to apologize for? Did you play any role in this situation that would require you to apologize?” If the answer is “no,” as it almost always is, I don’t apologize. If the answer is “yes,” I offer a sincere apology, without contingencies and without blaming others — or at least I try.
I don’t think my situation is unique. I grew up in what I think is a rather woman/girl-friendly atmosphere and I have a very supportive family. Still, I feel the need to apologize for things that I haven’t done. If I’ve been brainwashed this heavily by patriarchal influences from the media, my family, and other societal pressures, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for other women in worse situations than mine to avoid apologizing unnecessarily. Deborah Tannen has examined the issue, finding that women’s apologies — whether they’re “sincere” or not — reinforce the patriarchy’s mission to keep women down:
Women tend to say “I’m sorry” more than men, and women even put themselves down for it: “What’s wrong with me? Why am I always apologizing?” I point out that they often use “I’m sorry” not as an apology but as an expression of caring: “I’m sorry that happened.” Although I’m writing linguistic theory, not political theory, it helps explain why women are often put down and held down.
As holding a grudge is a feminist act, so is simply not apologizing for something that’s not your fault. If you possess a vagina, or appear as if you might, the patriarchy — which we need to fuck up — expects you to apologize for anything and everything. The patriarchy hates you and wants either not to see you, or, if you simply must exist, to see you humiliated, hurt, shamed, and broken. If you apologize for something that’s not your fault (unless you’re in an abusive relationship), you are basically saying that you’re okay with taking the blame, okay with being humiliated for the patriarchy’s amusement.
My women friends, my wombsters, my wombats, I ask you: STOP APOLOGIZING UNNECESSARILY. If you don’t need to apologize, don’t. If you’re not looking to take the blame, don’t apologize. If it’s someone else’s fault, say so. Just quit taking the blame for what is likely the patriarchy’s doing. Don’t stop caring — unless you want to stop caring — just stop phrasing your concern for others as a signal of submission.
I’m also trying not to say sorry unless I actually did something wrong. Silly example, but if I’m late for class cos I overslept, or something else that I could’ve done something about, I’ll appologise. If I’m late cos the bus was exeptionally late or something else that I don’t have much controll over I’ll simply tell my teacher that the bus was late without appologising.
I often find myself saying “sorry” in the dumbest of situations. For example, if I’m walking through a door into a building and someone else is trying to come out, I’ll say “sorry” rather than “excuse me” or something else that’s less apologetic. I’ve found, though, that I’ve only been doing that toward other women, which I am at a loss to explain. I don’t do it very often with people I know, but I’m an apologizing maniac with strangers, and I think that might be the worst context to be throwing apologies around in. It really is apologizing for existing, isn’t it?
It has taken me a few years to stop hedging when I talk in class, but I suspect a lot of the reason I was doing that before was that I felt intimidated by other students because I was the lone undergrad in some graduate seminars. Still, I do notice that female students tend to be much less confident in their opinions than male ones are. I have a female professor who still does it, which I find bizarre. She’s a professor at a fucking Ivy League university, but she still seems to be embarrassed to express herself and couches all of her comments in seminar in apologies and qualifications.
Thanks for writing this. I suspect it might make some people aware of habits that they have yet to examine.
I just did it! I was at a store and was trying to walk through an aisle when another woman was trying to go the other way. We did the little “no, you go first” thing, and we BOTH apologized to each other. I think I’m going to start paying close attention to see what men say in similar situations.
That sounds like a great start, Mortality.
I have to admit, I just apologized twice to my partner for two little things that weren’t my fault. Totally lame. Maybe I’ll make a confession post/page for unnecessary apologies.
Nine Deuce, that’s very strange about the apology-mania with strangers, but also not so strange. I hadn’t really thought about how/whether I apologize to people out in public, but I think I do it, just the same as you. I think we do it out of “politeness,” but that women are more polite with each other and men (probably) than men are with anyone shows another fucking annoying aspect of the ways both apologies and “manners” indicate submission and submission only.
We’re apologizing in public because, according to the patriarchy, it’s impolite to take up space.
God I fucking hate the patriarchy.
I apologize all the time in RL as well. It’s related to that idea that as a woman, I’m wrong. Period. End of discussion. And I fall for it!
For me, I really noticed it in my online interactions. I had a man try to shame me into “debating” him. When I refused, I was made to feel like I had done something wrong. And for a while there, I fell for it. I was beating myself up for doing something wrong. And then I realized that the only thing I did was refuse to give him the attention he demanded. Not wrong and I didn’t apologize.
I guess I should thank that guy for helping me realize how much I had ingrained the Patriarchy’s teachings. But I won’t.
That’s really interesting that your P-inspired apology addiction carried over into online conversation, ororo. I’ve definitely been unnecessarily polite online, and I often still am, but I think of the “polite” gestures I make in conversation, the stupid apologies have been the first to drop out.
I’m glad you didn’t apologize to that asshat — I, also, have had lots of dudes try to guilt me into debate, even on this blog. It’s just ridiculous what some guys think they’re entitled to.
Hi L, I came here through Nine Deuce’s blog. I’ve noticed that, in my experience anyway, it’s almost always other women who seem to expect you (another woman) to be apologetic about trivial things. It’s almost like a social ritual between women, to be superficially apologetic over things that they both know they don’t give two shits about in reality. However, if one of the women fails to be apologetic, then the other woman DOES start giving a shit. It seems like it’s a social cue from a woman to other women and men that being socially apologetic and affable is a mark of being a healthy (“healthy”) function of society. A woman who does not adhere to these playing rules is often viewed as either a Bitch or some sort of a radical deviance. For a long time, I was upset by how often I was called a bitch by other girls and guys alike for harboring strong opinions and declining from apologizing for small things. Luckily, I’ve begun to realize that I’d rather be called a bitch and be myself than to have to play these bullshit games of feminine modesty and affability that have been so deeply encoded in our social conditioning systems. Also, I really liked your post about the grudges — I, too, think that anyone who has harmed you doesn’t warrant a Get Out of Jail Free Card just by apologizing. Fuck all those bullshitters who get off easy just because the system plays in their favor — they don’t deserve any respect or compassion for their ignorance and cruelty.
Thank you. I needed to see this today. I’ve been holding a grudge for quite a long time against someone I really need to keep as far away from me as possible, yet must occasionally interact with due to ongoing obligations.
I have heard for years about the importance of forgiveness, and that one can’t heal from hurts unless one forgives…but sometimes things are too huge and the person too callous to be forgiven (after all…how many people forgave Pol Pot or even Ted Bundy?). So thanks! My grudge performs the admirable service of keeping me from being pulled back into a bad situation, and I intend to keep it. And I won’t feel bad about it, either.
Hi Chlorophyll, I’m glad to see you here. I hadn’t thought about how apologies function between women before this comment thread — and I think both you and Nine Deuce are right. I’ll be writing about that next, I think.
Jodie, I’m glad I could help. I think you’re using that grudge in a really helpful, healthy way — fuck the folks who would tell you it’s your fault for holding a grudge.
[...] gendered aspects of apology-making and of holding grudges. The first of the series (I recommend the other two as well), On apologizing and holdging grudges, explains the ways in which apologies and the act [...]
This is great stuff, L. I’m reading this from the carnival of radical feminism. Glad this got in.
Thanks for visiting and reading, Aerik.
[...] gendered aspects of apology-making and of holding grudges. The first of the series (I recommend the other two as well), On apologizing and holdging grudges, explains the ways in which apologies and the act [...]
This blog has been very interesting. I find it’s easy to make the apologetic women uncomfortable if you stand up straight and show unapologetic posture. If you speak clearly and loud enough so that everyone can hear you and you stand up straight you are bound to find a woman ready to tear you down. If you are comfortable with yourself and who you are there is always going to be a woman who will hate you for it and find a way to make you pay socially. I find this really sad. It’s too bad there are still women out there who still feel the need to hide behind weakness and insecurity and take so much pride in being helpless. It’s so frustrating. Thanks for showing me I am not alone!