One of the underlying themes of this blog and of my personal philosophy of feminism can be summed up with “fuck politeness.” (I have a blogger friend who uses this as her screen and blog name — I believe this arose from our shared hatred of Sam DeBrito. She’s an excellent writer — go check her out.) I think guidelines of politeness and civility are great in theory, but in practice, some of the things we do to be polite, such as apologizing and forgiving, work almost solely to maintain social hierarchies. And in a patriarchy, we need to question, critique, and fuck up these hierarchies because they are oppressive.
In the previous post in this series about apologies, “On apologizing and being female,” Chlorophyll and Nine Deuce noted that they often find themselves apologizing to other women, even more often than to men. Chlorophyll says,
I’ve noticed that, in my experience anyway, it’s almost always other women who seem to expect you (another woman) to be apologetic about trivial things. It’s almost like a social ritual between women, to be superficially apologetic over things that they both know they don’t give two shits about in reality. However, if one of the women fails to be apologetic, then the other woman DOES start giving a shit. It seems like it’s a social cue from a woman to other women and men that being socially apologetic and affable is a mark of being a healthy (”healthy”) function of society. A woman who does not adhere to these playing rules is often viewed as either a Bitch or some sort of a radical deviance.
Last night, I was at the grocery store and on my hurried way to return a dripping tub of ice cream to the frozen section and grab another, non-dripping tub, a group of three young women and I intersected paths. I saw them headed toward me, and I don’t think they could see me. I slipped between them and their object of attention, the Fritos Scoopers (can’t blame ‘em), and apologized. I guess I apologized for being in the way, even though they were just as much in my way as I was in theirs. I’m sure this is a common theme in my public interactions, though I hadn’t thought about who I apologize to more often, men or women. It seems likely that, since I’m so critical of my interactions with men, I apologize less frequently to them, whether I know them or not. But I probably apologize non-stop to women because I just hadn’t considered what that sort of interaction means.
So, a recap:
- apologizing usually signals submission
- apologizing is one way to be “polite” in the West
- “politeness” works to maintain the social order
- women apologize more often than men to men (not necessarily genuinely) and, it appears, to each other
As a society, we value women’s submission as a vital element to the stability and continuity of the culture, and we expect women to show it almost constantly with apologies. Welcome to patriarchy.
That women who are relative strangers apologize to and expect apologies from each other in a patriarchy seems counterintuitive on the surface. Why would women want to ensure that our own oppression continues? Why would we want each other to signal submission? We women are supposed to be natural allies, right? Not so much — that’s an essentialist view of women that ignores the differences among us and that ignores the varied, vast, and deep-rooted interests each woman has in maintaining the status quo. Women can act as patriarchy-enforcers just as often and just as fervently as men.
One of the ways women act as patriarchy-enforcers is to expect and demand politeness from other women but not necessarily from men. When we don’t apologize for what others perceive as wrongs, we are being socially deviant; we are seen as trying to fuck things up. That would explain why Chlorophyll was called a bitch for not apologizing for having opinions. Being a woman and stating what you think, instead of deferring to “science” or “religion” or to the Local Manly Opinion via apology or other hedges, is grounds for
social punishment: name-calling, cold shoulder, alienation, etc. Just take a look at my About page for more evidence for that.
But this doesn’t get at why women, of all people, would act as patriarchy-enforcers in this way. Some of it has to do with Stockholm Syndrome, as Nine Deuce discusses. Some women — okay, a lot of women — have bought into the patriarchy being the “natural order” of things, and they fight to keep it in place. Women’s enforcement of patriarchal ideals on other women can also be a way for women to protect themselves. For example, one major (probably unconscious) reason women police other women’s appearance more often than or as often as men is that appearing to be submissive in all the “right” ways helps women to survive in the patriarchy. If women help each other look or act “acceptable” for the male gaze, they can continue to be allies somehow without the interference of the dudes. And the women who spend a lot of time making themselves look and act “presentable” are often just looking to protect themselves from criticism. (Not that this works.) Also, the women doing the policing and critiquing are showing to patriarchy reps (men and other women) that they’re not going to try to buck the system so they will hopefully incur less abuse.
So, it would appear that women have quite a bit invested in the polite apology. Hearing an apology — when a woman you don’t know bumps into you at the store, for example — solidifies that you’re not at fault in the interaction. If you’re not at fault, you don’t owe that woman anything. Hearing the apology also reinforces your status as the better, stronger person in the interaction, and it means that you don’t “let” people walk all over you (literally or figuratively). Since domination and power are the ultimate goals of a patriarchal, capitalist society like ours, not “letting” people have power over you without consequence is of dire importance. We want to hear apologies when we are “wronged” because they lend to our individual power and perceived agency.
Again, apologizing is a sign of deference and submission, and even women have been conditioned to expect that women will defer and submit in social situations. Even those of us who expect apologies will often apologize quickly in awkward social encounters, to diffuse tension and/or just to be polite. We have been trained to act as if the male gaze is constantly in place — like Big Brother, if you will — and we act accordingly, even if the dudes aren’t around.
My point is that when we as women apologize to other women out of patriarchal notions of politeness, when women apologize to each other unnecessarily, we are simply supporting the patriarchy’s interest in seeing women submit. We are saying that it’s okay for us to be treated as less-than simply for existing and daring to go out in public with a vagina.
So, fuck politeness. Fuck apologizing when you don’t need to, just so that the ever-present male gaze can get its jollies from watching you submit. Fuck expecting other women to apologize to you so that you can feel powerful. Fuck all of it.
The training we have endured has really messed us up. Like Nine Deuce commented on the last post, we apologize “politely” without thought — we don’t even know we’re doing it until minutes after it’s happened. So fighting the patriarchy by not being polite, by not partaking in stupid dominance/submission-driven rules, will take practice, patience, and generosity with oneself. I think one way to deal with these same awkward situations — bumped carts at the grocery store, crossed paths through doorways — without invoking the gods of the patriarchy would be to substitute “sorry” with “excuse me” or “oops.”
What are you doing to stop apologizing unnecessarily? What are you doing to fuck up the patriarchy impolitely?
I think you have a point about the apology culture and the expectation of women to apologize to other women for trivial things, but that seems to manifest itself most prominently in friendships and acquaintanceships.
When it comes to strangers bumping into each other (in stores, on the street), in my experience, everyone seems to apologize as just a reflex action (male, female, regardless of who’s actually “at fault,” if anyone is). That’s what you do. You bump into someone and say “I’m sorry” or “Excuse me.”
I actually don’t think this is true. I’m talking about “polite” apologies, not sincere or necessary apologies. Personally speaking, I don’t apologize to my women friends for bumping into them while we’re walking in the same way or for the same reasons that I would apologize to a woman I don’t know whom I’ve bumped into in the store. Typically, I make a joke of my inability to walk in a straight line with my friends, whereas I wouldn’t make any joke at all about that with someone I don’t know — I would just apologize.
Okay, fair. But I think this “reflex” is often gendered — I don’t think men and women kneejerk in the same ways or for the same reasons in similar situations. Generally, I think men aren’t expected to apologize (at all or as quickly) as women are in these sorts of situations.
Yes, and my point is to ask others to question why that’s “what you do.” Just because it’s “what you do,” does that mean it isn’t loaded with social pressures and indicative of patriarchal practices?
More than anything, I’m looking to raise awareness about this, both in my readers and in myself. As I said, I hadn’t thought about women-to-women apologies in the name of politeness before the previous post, and I think it’s an area worth exploring. It’s entirely possible that what I’ve said here isn’t true for everyone (not that I have ever said anything I say is or should be true for everyone), and it may not even be true for me once I start thinking about it some more. That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth thinking about.
We may not see eye to eye on this, or maybe we run in different social circles, but I definitely appreciate that it’s worth thinking about. Your post was thought-provoking, and that’s why I love it.
Thanks for reading, ubuntucat. :)
What an a great assessment. You’re correct…we women are constantly apologizing for even trivial things…inevitably to hear “Oh, no, that’s all right.”
Men are, from what I can tell in my experiences, less likely to say “I’m sorry” for anything at all. In fact from what I’ve seen, they become angry at ME, the ‘victim.’ Last year in a movie theatre I was sitting waiting and a teen rushed to his seat; my feet seemed to get in his way. I called attention to his impoliteness and then his dad berated me…the finger pointing, the whole thing….later DURING the film, a man in the row behind me was on his way out and he banged the back of my seat so roughly, I was shoved forward. Not a word came from him at all and I said, “Hey!”…..he didn’t even apologize but instead yelled at me for calling his attention to his mistake.
That is so uncool of those asshats, Donna. I, too, have experienced my fair share of apology-worthy bullshit coming from the dudely gender, and I don’t remember that many apologies.
I sometimes think that movie theaters bring out the worst in people.
[...] aspects of apology-making and of holding grudges. The first of the series (I recommend the other two as well), On apologizing and holdging grudges, explains the ways in which apologies and the act of [...]
I frequently find excessively misogynist men trying to reverse the meaning of American women’s tendency to apologize. Specifically, they try to convince me (and each other) that most of the time when a woman says “I’m sorry,” it’s the same trick as the “I forgive you” doublespeak in which a person ‘forgives’ another simply to play up their status as the more civil and upstanding citizen. Can you guess the exact phrase they use to describe their paranoia? You got it. “Always playing the victim.” I swear, it should go on an Apology Bingo Card.
Many people do not apologize to me when they bump into me. I’m certain of this, because I recall having to fight the urge to yell “EXCUSE ME” in a very suggestive way to let them know that they were rude. But then I live in a couple of big rude cities, where people are too self-centered and in too much of a hurry to stop and apologize for anything.
I’ve only just had the time to sit down and read through these threads.
Something that springs to mind is that I was once out with my son and his cousin. His cousin pulled his fist back and punched my son right in the testicles. Son, not surprisingly was unhappy at this turn of events and stormed off. Cousin’s mother said “SAY SORRY”, Cousin sings “Iiiiiim soorrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy” (blatantly not giving a shit), son still keeps arms crossed and back turned. Cousin’s mother says “Now, come ON, when someone’s APOLOGISES you need to be nice”. Um, ya fucking WHAT NOW? And of course, I was so burdened with years of Nice Girl training that I stood in stunned silence, and comforted my son, but did not yell as I feel I should have in that circumstance, did not roar at her to ensure her son wasn’t such a violent little jerk and NOT to indoctrinate my son into playing bullshit social games of accepting the prompt delivery of a word with no meaning.
Yes, the first blog post was inspired by another near-aneurism over Dickwad De Brito, but the story that started it was that Bush came to Australia a few years ago. An Australian citizen was being held indefinately in Guantanemo Bay and we were being given no answers (our government at that time didn’t much care). Two Greens senators stood up when G.W was in our Parliament, and asked him to answer some questions on the wellbeing of this citizen (David Hicks). They were shut down pretty quickly, and then absolutely LAMBASTED in the Australian media for being ‘impolite’.
A person’s life is at stake, the rule of law (such as it is) is being suspended, hysteria prevails and two people who dared to ask some questions are being crucified for being ‘impolite’. I mean honestly, the hoohah?? You’d think they were being accused of killing and eating small children!
Politeness has bugged the shit out of me since early childhood. I used to be quite polite and never swore. Until I repeatedly heard people say that women swearing was disgraceful and disgusting and unladylide and uncouth…and I figured either you hated swearing or you didn’t, but that this line of thinking was horseshit and best described as such.
I developed the best potty mouth around, and I’ve worked on easing people into it. It’s part of my lexicon and cuts through pretences. I guess it’s me trying on ‘impoliteness’ where I can, where it’s safe, to say “Yes, it upsets some people, and I’m so very very down with that”.
So that’s where “Fuck politeness” came from.
Sadly I still apologise when people bump into me.
Sigh. Why are there not apologies after every ad “Sorry about flashing some 18 year olds breasts at you, we recognise that had nothing to do with our product but we’re invested in upholding the status quo of the worship of the teenage female body as the only source of beauty and sex…and in ensuring women know that the most valuable thing they’ll ever do with their lives is to look ornamental”.
Why do men make sexist jokes in my workplace as if I’m invisible, only to ‘apologise’ then do it again five minutes later?
OMG, fp, that is why apologies don’t work and holding grudges is a good idea oftentimes.
And thanks for clearing up the genesis of your name. Sorry ( ;) ) for appearing presumptuous about my role in that.
I look forward to the day when every advertising company executive apologizes for the ways they have harmed our minds and our children’s minds. They should be ashamed of themselves.
Hehe…it is of no great matter where the name came from with my whole five readers a month, four of whom I know ;p
Thanks also for the kind words. But yeah, my head is a big ole mess contemplating this stuff!
Speaking of advertising etc, there is a new show over here called the Gruen Transfer, and it’s panels of marketing/advertising exectutives etc…it’s cashing in on the ‘clever’ factor, you know, they discuss how ads work, what’s behind them…it sounded like it’d be critical…except it always stops a bit short of ever making any insightful points.
So an ad exec commented in horror ‘Only ONE PERCENT of Australian women think they’re beautiful’…but didn’t go on to examine advertising’s role in that, and also went on to suggest a tongue with a life of its own would be great, cos you’d never have to do foreplay again, you could just say ‘give me a call when she’s ready’. Oh HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!