I watch VH1 sometimes, I admit it. And this season, since my favorite contender got kicked off of Rock of Love Bus, I began watching Tough Love:
Handsome, cocky and smart, Steven Ward is America’s maestro of love. His brutally honest approach to matchmaking is what has made him and his mother Joann Ward one of the most successful matchmaking teams in the country. Steven has the balls to tell women not what they want to hear, but what they need to hear to find love.
The series revolves around “VH1 Tough Love Boot Camp,” where Steven works with a group of eight single, attractive women living together in a house for eight weeks to change their dating ways. Steven guarantees that if they follow his rules then by the end of the eight weeks they will be ready for love. But there’s a method to Steven’s madness. Steven’s methodology consists of his rules of dating. Steven’s rules are bold, insightful, and often hilarious. But most of all they offer an unapologetic glance into the male mind. The core of the series is Steven revealing the truth about what men really think when it comes to dating and women.
I’d been watching the show without too much trouble until I caught a rerun of season 1 episode 4 where Steve Ward tells Arian, who is on the hot seat for doing poorly on her date that night, that her sexually aggressive flirting will, and I quote, “get [her] raped.” She, unsurprisingly, leaves the room bawling and telling Steve that “you just don’t tell a girl that.” She eventually comes back to the hot seat to receive more criticism, and we see the other women who are on the show agreeing with Steve’s assertions about the “consequences” of Arian’s behavior.
As soon as I saw this, I turned the show off and composed a letter to Steve, which I sent via the Master Matchmakers contact page. Here’s what I wrote:
Hi Steve,
I have been watching your show Tough Love and I just saw a rerun of Season 1 Episode 4 where you told Arian that her sexually aggressive behavior would “get [her] raped.”
You know, for the most part, I think you’re promoting some useful and important relationship-building strategies to both the women on the show as well as your show’s audience. I sometimes disagree with what you express on the show and I have problems with the premise that women need more instruction on what men think and are attracted to. But, whatever, that’s the point of your show and you do a good job of staying on message.
It’s when I hear crap like “that will get you raped” coming from a man to a woman that I wish I never bothered to watch your show in the first place. Hearing this woman-shaming, sexuality-shaming, “slut”-shaming junk — yet again, from a guy who’s supposedly on these women’s side — makes me wish VH1 would pull your show from the air.
When you tell a woman that her behavior will get her raped, you are telling her that it is not the rapist’s fault. Do you know what WILL get a person raped? Being near a rapist who decides to rape that person. Nothing a victim does, wears, says, drinks, eats, thinks, or believes MAKES a rapist commit rape. Only rapists are responsible for rape.
It is not okay for you to blame victims or potential victims for the crimes committed against them. I am appalled that you apparently believe that women can bring rape upon themselves, but I’m not surprised — yours is a very common and very outdated belief.
Because you have access to women who see you as a guide and because you are on a show that airs nationwide, I would expect you to take your responsibility to not hurt women seriously. I suppose that might be asking too much. Why can’t you explain to women that rape is not their fault? Why can’t you use your show to promote the idea that rapists should not rape? Considering that 1 in 6 women report having been sexually assaulted, it’s fair to say that a large number of sexual assault survivors (including myself) watch your show regularly. You have a responsibility to these women as well as the women who watch your show for the relationship-building advice.
I will no longer be watching your show. I feel sorry for the thousands of women you’ve hurt with your victim-blaming remarks and attitude. You should be ashamed of yourself, but at least now we all know another dude to avoid when we go out looking for “The One.”
Sincerely,
L
I figured that nothing would come of it. I also looked around the ‘nets and found some other folks blogging about this episode and some other information about this episode in general:
“Tough Love, ‘Slut-Shaming,’ and Female Solidarity” at SaferCampus.org
“Giving Steve Ward and VH1 Some Tough Love of My Own” at Twolia.com
“Enough is Enough” at Twolia.com
“Tough Talk from Steve – Episode 4” at VH1.com
There doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of talk about the episode in the feminist blogosphere. This is probably because not a lot of feminist bloggers can stand VH1 in general, let alone shows like Tough Love, and with good reason. (If I missed a link, please let me know in the comments — I just couldn’t find much about this episode from a feminist perspective.)
Today, I received the following in my email from, according to the email, Joann, who I’m assuming is Steve Ward’s mom and boss at Master Matchmakers. I’ll post what I received in its entirety, editing the personal information of innocents:
Subject: FW: Contact Form Submissions: Thom ********
From: Joann Ward <joann@mastermatchmakers.com>
I thought you would like to see Steves response to this email read below first.
From: JoAnn Ward
Sent: Tuesday, April 14, 2009 6:42 PM
To: ’*********@yahoo.com‘
Subject: FW: Contact Form Submission: Thom ********
From: Steven Ward
Sent: Thursday, April 09, 2009 9:00 PM
To: ’*****@in-one-ear.com‘
Subject: RE: Contact Form Submission: Thom ********
Hi Thom, thank you for writing. I appreciate your concern and I want you to know that I in no way want anyone to believe I would ever “blame the victim” of a rape for being raped. I realize there are countless cases of women who have been targeted and assaulted without any provocation and I sincerely feel for those women. However, there are also many reported and unreported cases of rape where women have intentionally provoked their attacker or knowingly teased, mislead or aroused the man with no intentions of having sex only to spurn an unwanted sexual response. I have been told many stories by victims of sexual abuse and listened to them describe in their own words how they put themselves in a position to be taken advantage of. These stories typically involved fraternity parties, binge drinking, promiscuous behavior, “roofies” and mostly that sort of thing. In Arian’s case she will sexually provoke anyone, anytime, anywhere for her own amusement and my only intention was to caution her that one of those people could end up being the wrong person to provoke. I’m sorry to disagree, but there are many instances of women being raped because of “hyper-sexual flirting” with the wrong guy and I was only trying to bring that to Arian’s attention. Without believing there could be any negative consequences to her actions she would never change or admit the error of her ways. Please continue to watch and see how the rest of her experience at boot camp unfolds. Thanks for writing and thanks for watching.
Steven Ward
Chief Executive Office2 Penn Center Plaza, Suite 200
Philadelphia, PA 19102
Toll Free 866-TO-MATCH
Follow me @ twitter.com/stevenbward
From: Master Matchmakers [mailto:no-reply@mastermatchmakers.com]
Sent: Thursday, April 09, 2009 6:55 PM
To: Contact
Subject: Contact Form Submission: Thom Gladhill
Date Submitted: 4/9/2009 6:55:11 PM
Name: Thom ********
Email: *****@in-one-ear.com
Phone:Message: Hello, First, I want to take a moment to say how much I have enjoyed Tough Love. From the initial ads, I did not think I would… at least not in a good way. I anticipated a mean show, about finding faults and tearing people down. Instead, what I found was a show with a host that seemed to genuinely care about the participants. Someone who wanted to help them make better choices in their relationships. I agree with the stated view of the worthiness of marriage and finding a person to spend your life with. But last weekend, the latest episode rubbed me the wrong way. And the thing that bothers me most is that I believe that Steve had the best of intentions. I realize I am not the first to write on the comment Steve made about Arian being on a path which she would end up raped. I am sure some are, in fact, being rude and unkind, to which I apologize. I hope that I am not merely adding to an atmosphere of attack. As I said, I believe nothing cruel was meant. I believe Steve had the best of goals in his words, to try and break through Arian’s walls. And Steve was hardly alone. All the women seemed to agree. But here is what bothered me. Women do not get raped because their clothes, walking down the street or even hyper-sexually flirting. A woman can avoid everything Arian does and still be assaulted. Arian may never face assault. Her choices do have harmful effects, and I could go on and on about where I think she is wrong. But we would never demand a kid tell us why he spoke to a stranger after being abducted. We know terrible things happen, and it seems only rape gets thrown in the victim’s face as being an accomplice to her attack, instead of laying it at the feet of her attacker. I only ask that Steve give this some consideration. I chose to write because I have appreciated the show (I think VH1 ought to consider a version with guys, to be honest, as their offering for men was a show trying to take losers and teach them to use women. Hardly encouraging men to be better people). I like seeing a different type of reality show. So please understand, I write out of respect, not hate. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Session ID: 25m4jxby0jw0xqu5iqifux45
IP Address: 75.72.24.254
Referrer: http://twolia.com/blogs/relationship-underarm-stick/
Entry Page: /Contact.aspx
So, Thom emailed Steve, expressing many of the same concerns I expressed in my email, Steve responded to Thom, and Steve’s mom Joann forwarded me both Thom’s email and Steve’s response. I have not gotten a response to my particular concerns, but Steve’s response is very much what I would expect.
I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that, in his response, Steve is continuing to blame the victims of rape for provoking their attackers. He obviously does not get it. He does not understand that nothing, nothing, nothing a victim has done makes their rapists commit rape. Rapists alone are responsible for rape.
It is extremely irresponsible and downright dangerous for Steve to voice these wrongheaded opinions on a national forum in the first place. His statements would be harmful enough, even if they were followed up by a nationally aired apology and explanation of why his comments to Arian were wrong. However, as Alessia notes, he’s not only wrong, but stubborn about it, which is even worse. This is true Rape Apologist territory: he believes, in his heart, that women who have been raped after they have engaged in foreplay or flirting are at least partially — if not completely — responsible for having been raped. According to Steve Ward, women cannot be sexually expressive or they have provoked men to rape them — all women’s sexuality must only be in response to men’s sexual expressions. Most harmful, the rapist plays absolutely no role in rape in Steve Ward’s rape apologia — Arian or any other “slutty” woman will “get [herself] raped,” and somehow the rapist escapes notice. If the rapist disappears from the language, he disappears from reality. And Steve is just making it worse than it already is.
So, Steve Ward — backed up by VH1, Flower Films, Joann Ward, and all the other people who nodded their heads when Steve told Arian that she’d get herself raped doing what she did — is yet another enthusiastic supporter of rape culture. He and his friends and supporters and coworkers are perpetuating the myth that rape victims invite rape upon themselves and that men cannot control themselves around beautiful women flirting with them.
To Steve, Joann, and all the rest of you who think that Steve was maybe onto something with his comment to Arian:
As with any other crime, victims do not make criminals commit crimes.
Men are not penis-driven animals without a modicum of self-control.
Repeat these things to yourself until you understand them.
The rest of you can contact Steve, VH1, and Flower Films on your own to tell them just how dangerously wrong Steve is to spout such crap on a national television show, to demand an apology, to demand that his show be taken off the air, whatever you think is appropriate (thanks to Twolia.com for gathering the information):
Flower Films
7360 Santa Monica Blvd.
West Hollywood, CA 90046
USA
Phone: 323-876-7400
Fax: 323-876-7401
High Noon Entertainment
12233 W. Olympic Blvd
Ste 328
Los Angeles, CA 90064
USA
Phone: 310-820-7500
www.highnoonentertainment.com
questions@highnoontv.com
Jeff Olde is the Executive Vice President in charge of Original Programming and Production at VH1.
VH1 Television
2600 Colorado Ave.
Santa Monica, CA 90404
USA
Phn: 310-752-8000
VH1 Television
1515 Broadway
New York, NY 10036
USA
Phone: 212-846-6000
MasterMatchmakers Contact Info
——————
Contacting companies that advertise on VH1 (and MTV Networks at large) to say that you’ll be boycotting their products until Steve Ward is off the air would be a good step too. If you know of any offhand, list ‘em in the comments; it appears that Alessia at Twolia.com may be compiling a list of advertisers, so I’m sure any help there would be appreciated.
——————
Advertisers with VH1:
- Axe (sub-company of Unilever)
- Red Bull
—————–
I am still considering how and whether I’ll respond to Joann’s email. I intend to contact Flower Films and VH1 executives about this.
Please spread this post far and wide, and feel free to use my letter above as a starting point for your own. Steve Ward has no shame about his misogynist, victim-blaming attitudes — let’s see if he can begin to understand that there are consequences for his behavior, too.
Thank you for writing this! I was appauled when Steve made that comment to me. I literally had to fight myself not to throw that light right ON him! It was a HORRIBLE comment. He could call me names etc but rape? Noooo wayyyy! Besides the fact he set me up by saying Paul was just a frat boy type to hang with and not a match and told Paul I was a lil thick but the hottest in the house with some nice fake t***! He is a phony!
Thanks for continuing the conversation — and for linking/crediting my work. :)
This is not over for me, and I hope that continued pressure will have an impact; but perhaps most important is to have the discussion so that others can become aware of just who is responsible for rape — the rapists.
Alessia
Thanks for collecting all of that info, L. Steve Ward and people like him need to get it through their thick skulls that rape is NEVER the fault of the victim. I feel so sorry for women like Arain who have to listen to his garbage in person. Now I think I have to headdesk a few hundred times and then get to work writing some emails. (Also disappointing, I think Flower Films is Drew Barrymore’s production company.)
Hey, Arian, thanks for stopping by. It was a horrible comment — I would have reacted in pretty much the same way. Hope you’re doing alright.
kardis, yes, Flower Films is run by Drew Barrymore. FF doesn’t have its own website as far as I can tell, but it’s featured here, which is unfortunate. But it’s not surprising that Drew Barrymore and FF would be associated with Tough Love, as FF also put out He’s Just Not That Into You, Music & Lyrics, and the Charlie’s Angels movies. Talk about female empowerfulment — there’s not a truly woman-positive movie in the bunch.
Dude, I got sucked into Tough Love because of Rock of Love Bus (Beverly? REALLY?! Ashley all the way!), but that rape shit was fucking inexcusable. Jesus fucking Christ.
Yes, really, Beverly. :) I liked how comparatively level-headed and normal she was. And in the first couple of episodes when they had a drink-throwing fight and she just dodged a glass that someone else threw and then bolted — I thought that was so hilarious. Ashley was alright too, though.
But yeah, totally fucking unforgivable. And so blatant! Like, there’s a lot of icky, just-teetering-on-the-edge-of-victim-blaming shit that goes on on MTV and VH1, but this? He might as well have just said, “FUCK WOMEN EVERYWHERE, MEN WILL DOMINATE YOUUUU.”
“However, there are also many reported and unreported cases of rape where women have intentionally provoked their attacker or knowingly teased, mislead or aroused the man with no intentions of having sex only to spurn an unwanted sexual response. I have been told many stories by victims of sexual abuse and listened to them describe in their own words how they put themselves in a position to be taken advantage of. These stories typically involved fraternity parties, binge drinking, promiscuous behavior, “roofies” and mostly that sort of thing.”
Wow. Just Wow. I actually cannot believe he just managed to make his original statement WORSE. I am at a loss for words at the moment. Thanks for linking to SAFER, L. If you don’t mind, I will do an update there with this info when I return home from vacation.
“FF also put out He’s Just Not That Into You, Music & Lyrics, and the Charlie’s Angels movies. Talk about female empowerfulment — there’s not a truly woman-positive movie in the bunch.”
Heck, Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle was not *anyone* friendly. :)
“Yes, really, Beverly. :) I liked how comparatively level-headed and normal she was. And in the first couple of episodes when they had a drink-throwing fight and she just dodged a glass that someone else threw and then bolted — I thought that was so hilarious. Ashley was alright too, though.”
Beverly’s mistake was having Bret sign stuff for her kids. That’s just not a good move. I liked her to though. But Ashley (and the entire entourage of blonds) annoyed me. They were all pretty petty and fake.
ANYWAYS…huh…I became a form letter. :)
I had been trying to figure out if I would publish the letter or not. Mainly because I have not had time to create the kind of post on the issue that I am happy with. I keep thinking about what I want to say and how to say it. Plus, I am also unsure about putting personal correspondences online without permission. But I guess now that I am a form letter, it’s not as much of an issue. :)
I think since the Wards felt comfortable sending me your letter (and your email address :/ ) and Steve’s response, they don’t have a big thing about privacy online. I say post it, Thom. :)
Arian, I’m truly sorry Steve Ward and VH1 put you through that wringer. I stopped watching the show because Steve’s contempt for women is too disgusting. He’s trying to put shame on you, but he and his mother have no shame in spreading dangerous lies about rape and women’s culpability. I can’t say I would have reacted any different than you did. Take care.
L, Steve says he wants no one to in any way believe that anything he says could be construed as blaming victims…then he goes off on a whole new victim blaming tirade, even using the guilty feelings of rape victims to justify his view. Is he actually suggesting that the women who shared their stories with him roofied themselves? Someone get this guy a dictionary.
If you’re still looking for more signs of life, I’m another feminist who wrote about Tough Love on my blog:
http://margetwain.wordpress.com/2009/04/10/tough-love/
http://margetwain.wordpress.com/2009/04/16/tough-love-again/
Steve Ward is a misogynist idiot, it’s totally obvious from the statements he made on the show and the follow-up statements he’s made to people about that episode. You’d think he would eventually begin to consider that maybe he’s wrong with all these people lashing out at him.
Thanks for the links, Marge — I’ve added them to the post itself. :)
If you all thought Steve was a sexist douchebag before, check this article from Cosmo (uck!) out. It’s full of his brilliant dating advice. It basically boils down to shut the fuck up and look pretty.
http://www.mastermatchmakers.com/Public/news/200904-cosmopolitan-article/cosmopolitan-article-april-2009.pdf
I’ve been watching Steve Ward’s show for the last couple of weeks.
Steve did have a point about Aryan’s behavior with men (even though he said it in a profoundly fucked up way that pretty much guaranteed that she wouldn’t hear it)
No woman is ever responsible for being raped.
Period.
But, Aryan’s over the top raunchiness does pretty much guarantee that men would only consider her for a one night stand, not a potential relationship.
Of course, what Steve may not realize is that perhaps Aryan secretly does NOT WANT a long term relationship.
Women aren’t supposed to only want a one night stand, and are all supposed to want a long term relationship, even if they actually don’t.
Perhaps that’s the real issue with Aryan, that Steve totally misses, because it doesn’t fit into the stereotype of all women as being relationship oriented.
Incidentally, I followed the link to the Cosmo article – and I don’t see it as being any worse than the usual Cosmopolitan relationship article (which isn’t saying much).
And some of the advice actually made sense – turn off your cellphone when you go out on a date, and don’t talk about politics or religion (with one difference – I think that men should follow the exact same advice – answering your phone on a date is RUDE no matter what gender or sexual orientation you are!)
The rest of it was the usual garbage you’d expect from Cosmo.
[...] on the show all agreed with Steve. Fans on the internet agreed. Except for a small cadre of online fans who found themselves horrified by the statement. While I participted in the discussion, I [...]
This is appalling. Appalling not only in and of itself but that it is highly indicative of what many people believe…that a woman who flirts with a man and/or somehow gets him aroused, is to blame for the rape. Why doesn’t he go one step further and blame any sort of cleavage for rape. Or even one more step and blame any sort of arm showing. Or makeup. Or bare ankle. Or her face showing at all.
The only thing “wowing” about any of this is the contrived, or at least what I hope to be contrived (if this truly gets to you then you really need things put in perspective) anger.
Is victim blaming bad? Yes. Is everything, to a tee, Steven said true? Without a doubt. That is not saying women are too blame in any case of rape – whatever the circumstances are – because the only one to blame is the attacker/rapist – period.
That said, whether you like it or not – or shall I say – willing to realize it or not, overly sexualized behavior can trigger behavior in a psychopath – or rapist in this case.
This does not mean the women are at fault in any way – just as it is not a shark attack victims fault he was bit when he was doing nothing whatsoever besides swimming in the ocean. The fact “shark attacks” occur in oceans as well as their being higher concentrated instances of attack in certain beach type vicinities (IE: the Gold Coast in Australia) is an unfortunate and often tragic thing. However that doesn’t make the victims “responsible” for the attack, or “at fault” for being bit, and it certainly doesn’t make them stupid for ignoring the sliver of a chance they would be attacked if swimming in a given ocean side area – it makes it a reality.
If the shark attack victim doesn’t swim in the ocean they don’t get attacked – period. I am far from a “shark attack victim blamer”, I mean I spend the beach season parked in Newport Beach, swimming nearly every day in the ocean. I know that if I were to swim with a open cut, or with shiny objects attached to my person that the 1/100000 chance of being attacked would go up a small portion – but I wouldn’t be asking for a Shark to bite me.
That is what Steven is trying to say – point blank: No matter the circumstance the victim of rape is not to blame. There are however actions – ones which too are in no way “negative” or “unbecoming” that may increase the chance of sexual assault.
If my boyfriend walks into a random restaurant/bar/public place and repeatedly uses foul language laced with sexual rhetoric his chances of getting smacked (likely by a women) will go up. Now would you say that the intolerable action (violent act on a person who posed absolutely no threat to the attacker) is justified? Or would my boyfriend be asking for a smack upside the head?
I am absolutely flabbergasted by a new and unfortunately growing segment of the feminist movement. It is becoming radicalized in the same way the far right religo-nuts have perverted the idea and truth of religion and it’s focus and attack an abortion clinic with a bomb, gun, etc. Now those individuals are NOT representative of the core religious beings – they are the extreme, radical aspect of the group. Thus painting the entire segment as a little less credible.
Feminists need to stick to the core idealogy of the movement, and stop with this micro analyzing of such minuscule, and (at least in this case) misplaced anger and uproar.
I’m so glad you feel comfortable equating men — human men who, generally, have consciences and self-control — with sharks. It’s always surprising to me when people make comments like yours and call me the man-hating one.
Anyway, as I stated in the post, men are not animals driven purely by instinct. By and large, men have the ability to control themselves and not rape women, even when one of those women does something arousing or sexual to a man or in the vicinity of a man. Those few men who can’t control themselves should be locked up. Excusing men’s shitty behavior by placing blame on women does not help anyone.
The part in the quoted piece about psychopaths being pretty much equated with rapists is interesting. Considering that 1 in 6 women has been or will be raped in her lifetime, that’s about 1 in 6 men (maybe a little less, but probably about that) doing the raping. I was under the impression that psychopaths are a small, small fraction of society — 1/6 or 1/7 isn’t that small of a fraction. That’s about 21 million men in the US alone. Surely there aren’t 21 million psychopaths in the US. This can only mean that rape isn’t something that we condemn enough in this country. It isn’t truly psychopathic behavior yet. And that, in my opinion, is in part because people with power like Steve Ward don’t spend enough time calling out rapists as the psychopaths they are.
I’ll reiterate what I wrote in response to this post, which makes pretty much the same claims you’re making here:
Sure, yeah, there are certainly locations that signal a higher chance of getting raped. Rapists often ply their victims with alcohol, so not drinking or not attending bars/parties might be one way of lowering one’s chances of getting raped. But people know this; women, in particular, know this. The problem is that hardly anyone talks about how guys should not rape. No one talks about places men should avoid because they might be more likely to commit sexual assault. They aren’t told to stop drinking or attending parties because their chance of raping another person is much higher. It’s always, always, always about how women should change their behavior in order to “prevent” “putting themselves in positions” where they are “more likely” to be raped. The more often we talk about how women can and should change their behavior in order not to be raped, the less attention we pay to the people actually doing the raping. I realize we can talk about both — changing rape culture is not a zero-sum game — but right now, the vast majority of the conversation about rape is about how women can change their behavior, their lives, their interests, etc. in order not to be raped.
Besides all that, all this talk about how women can prevent rape is hinged on the myth that rape is a crime committed in dark alleyways at night some unknown assailant. Many rapes happen this way, but the majority of reported and unreported rapes/sexual assaults are committed by people known to the victim: dates, partners, spouses, family members, etc. Should women never drink? Never leave the house? Never interact with other human beings just in case they know and might become the target of a rapist? (Chances are that we all know a rapist [especially if there's 21 million of them in the US], so this may not be that far off the rocker.)
So, yeah, I see where you’re coming from and walking the line between self-preserving caution and living a life you enjoy is difficult. I just think that spending so much time warning women not to do this or that OR ELSE is a waste of time.
Honestly? I would think that anyone who smacked your boyfriend just because he used foul language should be hit with an assault charge.
I like that you left a link to your blog where you do feminism so much better… Oh, wait.
Great post, L. And I completely agree with your statements about the shark analogy.
See the thing about overtly sexual behavior-what does that mean? That means different things to different people. I guarantee you that there are some men out there that think if a strange woman makes eye contact and smiles at him, then she is interested in him sexually and he is free to pursue her. From the woman’s perspective, maybe she was just being friendly or possibly just doing her job in a customer service setting.
I will never forget the phone call that I received at work about a year ago. The phone rang in the bookstore and I answered and gave my name, and a man on the other end said that he was wanting to talk to me b/c he had just left the store. I figure he’s forgotten a bag or something and start looking for it, and then the convo got really weird and creepy and surreal. He started telling me how attractive I was, compared my answering the phone so quickly to like a tiger or panther pouncing on it or something like that, and then essentially propositioned me by asking if I wanted a ‘relationship’ or a ‘friendship’ with an “attractive, older man.” He also asked me if I’d heard his wife in the background, and told me that he’d told her he was talking to his mother. I ended the call as quickly as possible, and I am not exaggerating when I say that I was shaking with anger, disgust, fear, and shock.
Now I have no idea what made this man decide to call the store and speak to me like that. Maybe I’d waited on him and been especially friendly, maybe I hadn’t. I mean this guy had chosen to interpret the way I answered the phone quickly on the first ring as evidence of some sort of pent up sexual passion. My behavior was completely irrelevant to the situation. He chose to read it as a way to best suit his purposes. Thankfully, he took me seriously when I said no and I never heard from him again. But if he had graduated to stalking or even, God forbid, attempted sexual assault, I would like to think that my own behavior towards him would have been completely beside the point. Just as I would like to think that if Arian were raped her behavior would also be completely besides the point. Because a rapist doesn’t really care how you act. They’re going to put their own spin and motivation onto it, to best suit their own purposes, and that’s on them. That’s their problem. It has nothing to do with the victim’s behavior. Women should not go around policing their own behavior in hopes of deterring rape, because in the end it’s pointless. To go by that logic means that you should never set foot out of your house. The rapist’s behavior is what should be policed and modified, not the victim of rape.
Thanks
I feel that many on this blog are missing the intent of Steve’s message. His intent was not malevolent, regardless of how some interpret his critique of Arian.
We are all accountable for how we handle ourselves and we can minimize potential situations by being more cautious of the things around us. I had a friend who was in Brazil who went out for a day trip and was wearing something that was far too extravagant for some of the urban setting she was visiting. She ended up being a victim of a mugging. Did she ask for it? No. If she dressed modestly and less touristy, could it have been avoided? Possibly.
I went to a well respected University that just so happens to be located in a not-so-desirable neighborhood. Students that were aware of their surroundings and smart about how they handled themselves would not run into problems. In most instances, it was the students that naively exposed themselves to potential situations that became victims of crimes.
I think Steve’s intention was in the right place and his advice was right, no matter how some would want to twist the facts are argue semantics. Reality is reality regardless of who we want to blame. Truth be told, being naive to a situation doesn’t minimize OR avoid the risk.
On a related note, after the episode of Tough Love that aired on 4/26, it is obvious that Arian needs professional help that maybe she hasn’t come to terms with. Her behavior clearly demonstrates her maturity level as well as deep rooted issues not covered in the show. I don’t think Arian intended the show to go in the direction that it did. But, now that the cat is out of the bag, it can be an opportunity for her to seize and address these issues to help her become a better person and move on with her life. It is only when we stop making excuses, take the time to reflect, and make efforts toward personal improvement that we make peace with ourselves and find fulfillment of life.
p, I’m going to try very, very hard not to be condescending to you. I want this to be a discussion thread where people learn something, not a take-down thread where people shut down and refuse to change their perspectives. But your comment suggests that you haven’t read much if any of the post or other comments here. If you’d taken the time to read my comments policy, you would know that not reading all of the post/comments is a deletable offense. I’m not interested in explaining to every single commenter that, indeed, I DO get the big jist of the things I read. I am literate, and so are all the other commenters here.
Therefore, this post and its comments are NOT about “not getting Steve Ward’s intent.” We get it! We do! It’s not hard to get! Especially when women are beat about the head with his message every single fucking time one of us gets raped by a dude. We. Get. It. We know what he was going after. WE ALL FUCKING KNOW THAT WE ARE RESPONSIBLE — at least in part — IF WE GET RAPED. That message is loud and fucking clear in this culture of rape apologism.
My point in writing this post? Was to point out that THIS IS A VICTIM-BLAMING ATTITUDE. ‘Kay? To say, suggest, or otherwise imply that women can change their behavior in order to prevent getting raped means that they should change their behavior to prevent their own rape, and then, if they don’t change their behavior, well, we told you so! It’s your own damn fault for not listening to our words of wisdom, you dumb slut! You were basically asking for it by not heeding our cautions!
Of course we are all “accountable for how we handle ourselves and we can minimize potential situations by being more cautious of the things around us”. We should all be careful, I absolutely agree. But you even say it yourself about your example Brazil tourist: changing her dress or behavior would only “possibly” have prevented her from being mugged. As April has so eloquently illustrated, one can never, ever know what behaviors, dress, food, drink, settings, whatever will set another person off. So why do we spend so much time talking about the various and infinite ways potential victims should change their behavior to “possibly” “prevent” rape (all the while talking about things that really don’t matter in the long run, when you look at actual rape/SA statistics) when that energy and time would be much more efficiently spent educating potential rapists to change their behavior?
As for the rest of your comment, I don’t particularly care, since 1) that show, its premise, and its host are fucked up, 2) a matchmaking show that is edited and recut in order to highlight (and likely fabricate) all of the women’s “disorders” is not a reliable source of information for armchair psychologists like yourself, and 3) I’ve stopped watching it (AS I STATED IN THE LETTER I WROTE TO STEVE — can you read, p? I’m concerned about you).
I will not publish another comment from you unless it is clear as day that you have read the entire post and all of the comments, including and especially this one I typed just for you.
L,
In reading your last comment you stated, “I want this to be a discussion thread where people learn something, not a take-down thread where people shut down and refuse to change their perspectives.”
Based on your last comment, I guess this doesn’t apply to you. Because all you have done in your last statement was to bash someone that was expressing their opinion and then refuse another post from them. From your comments, although you may not admit to it, you reveal yourself as an “armchair psychologist”. You have succeeded in using this as a “take-down thread” and have “shut down and refused to change your perspective”. I guess somehow it is alright for you to do this. Some may call your previous attacks as hypocritical.
It is funny how, when things don’t support your own argument how easily it is to forget or avoid. In your attack of the show you have completely not taken into account the other women on the show and their opinions of Arian and Steve. You just briefly mention that they agree with him. Is it because they don’t share your point of view that their perspective doesn’t matter? Are they less of women for not agreeing with you? You also do not delve into the shameful behavior of Arian’s. I have a hard time defending Arian and agree with P. that she does need help. It doesn’t take a professional to see that her behavior is destructive.
You don’t need to bother responding to this with your bashing. As the only opinion that matters is yours, and, as you allow no dissention or debate to bring balance to your opinion, I will no longer be reading this blog.
I sincerely hope that you have a happy and fulfilled life and not devote so much time at home writing on a blog about your discontent.
So, I’m guessing you didn’t read the comment policy either. It’s not cool to comment on blog posts you haven’t read thoroughly. p had obviously not read this post or its comment thoroughly, because this person made inaccurate statements and assumptions about issues I had addressed both in the post and in the comments. I don’t see why I need to hold p’s hand when this person can’t even do me the basic respect of reading everything I’ve written here before commenting to tell me, essentially, that I’m stupid.
If you had read just a little more carefully, you would see that I plainly told p that “I will not publish another comment from you unless it is clear as day that you have read the entire post and all of the comments, including and especially this one I typed just for you.” That is not the same as saying “You are hereby banned from commenting on this blog” (which I am also well within my right to do but don’t care to with p). It’s conditional. If p can participate in the blogosphere like an adult who reads before commenting, then his/her comment will be published. If p decides that reading is too much a waste of his/her time, then his/her comment will not appear. Not difficult. Also, not really that mean or “bashing” or whatever.
Evidence, please.
If anything, I’m an armchair feminist. This is not a psychological reading of Steve Ward or Arian; this is me pointing out the problems of Steve’s line of thinking that work to perpetuate patriarchal oppression against women.
You may be right. I am probably a hypocrite. Still, this is my blog and I, much like you, am not perfect. I’ll try harder in the future.
Can you explain to me why the opinions of the other women on the show matter in this case? I wasn’t talking about what they said; this post is about what Steve Ward said to Arian and how what he said comes right down to victim-blaming. As for whether they are “less of women” for not agreeing with me… um, what? That has nothing whatsoever to do with this post. Everyone is entitled to her or his opinion — this includes you and p and Jody and all the other women on Tough Love. None of us is less of a person for having our opinions.
Again, that is not the point of this post. Do I need to make it any fucking more clear than the title makes it? This post is called “Tough Love’s Steve Ward on Victim-Blaming.” This post is NOT called “Arian’s ‘Shameful’ ‘Dirty’ ‘Overtly Sexual’ Behavior” or “Tough Love’s Arian Needs Mental Help” or “Being Sexually Forward — Like a Dude! — is OBVIOUSLY DESTRUCTIVE ZOMG MAKE IT STOP”. Nope, this post isn’t called any of those things and doesn’t touch on any of those things because THAT’S NOT THE POINT OF THIS POST. If you would like to write about those things, feel free to create a blog and write about them there.
Yay, I love flounces!
Seriously, heart, if you really were the regular reader you imply you were before this omg-so-terrible post, you would know that this? This is standard fare for Editorializing. My writing style and my disdain for patriarchal bullshit such as that promoted by Steve Ward haven’t changed much in the last two years.
And when it comes to “dissention” (hahaha btw), if I really didn’t tolerate people disagreeing with me, do you think you’d see your comment, p’s comment or any other anti-feminist’s comment appearing on this blog? Not so much.
Anyway, glad to meet ya, heart! Thanks for the comment!
I consider myself to be a feminist and I actually agree with Steve’s viewpoint. Anyone that has seen even one episode of the show would know that Arian is an overly sexual woman with zero respect for herself. If you saw the most recent episode, you’d see that she gets it from her mama.
So you really think a woman should be able to throw herself sexually at any man and still walk away blameless in the event that she’s raped? You don’t feel this way about extreme sport thrill seekers – we call them crazy for dangling their lives in front of hungry beasts, off of high mountain peaks or out of planes thousands of feet in the sky but a woman (not any woman) like Arian Mayer should be able to grab a man’s penis upon first meeting him, strip naked and invite him into her bath, lift up her skirt exposing her ass, etc etc etc e-freaking cetera and not be held accountable for exhibiting such promiscuous behavior? Thats absolute crap.
A rapist rapes. Ok. Man-eating animals eat humans in their path. Cars driving on the highway kill animals that wander into traffic. Oceans, lakes, rivers and streams kill people that fall into them; some that know how to swim and others that don’t. There are ways to increase your safety and possibly avoid all of the above. Ways to increase your safety. I didn’t say guarantee. In life, there are very few; however I would bet my life savings that sexual assault (not to mention disease and unwanted pregnancy) is much more likely to happen to someone like Arian that drinks like a fish, dresses like a tramp and hops into bed with anything on legs before it happens to someone that acts like she’s got some self respect. Bottom line; Arian and many many women like her put themselves in situations that attract trashy characters. If you sleep, drink, flirt, etc indiscriminately, you may wake up (or not) with a rapist.
Let’s not forget the fact that men can be victims of rape as well as victims of false rape accusations. The latter happens way more than you PC buffoons would like to admit and it can tear an innocent man’s life apart. Women are NOT saints; everything we say, think, do, feel, etc isn’t perfection. Arian seems like the type that would let a man do everything to her and then turn around and accuse him of rape – and you fools are the ones that would rally for his death outside of court. Shame on you for supporting someone that doesn’t even respect herself.
Okay, Nat. I’ve addressed most of your responses elsewhere in this thread. Suffice it to say, you and I disagree.
Nowhere have I said that being careful, taking care of yourself, and hanging out with people who respect you are bad ideas. But the real bottom line is that comments like yours and Steve’s make it easier for rapists to get away with their crimes. When we only talk about what women could be doing differently to prevent rape, we are not talking about ways rapists can not rape.
Actually, one of the things that I was thinking about with regard to this Tough Love episode was that perhaps the problem is that Arian was sexually assaulting the dude/s. It hasn’t come up because, you’re right, few people talk about rape against men.
But that’s still not the point of this particular post, because this episode did not have anything to do with rape against men. Steve Ward told Arian that she would end up raped, we assume by a dude, if she continued with her behavior, and that is victim-blaming. That’s what this post is about.
Uh-huh, and? Where is anyone claiming that women are perfect saints? I just don’t think we should let anyone, especially Steve Ward who purports to help women, get away with implicitly blaming rape victims for being raped.
Uh, wow, you buy into the myth of false rape reports as a tool against men, you think I should be ashamed of myself for taking a woman’s side even though she “doesn’t even respect herself” (people with low self-esteem are obviously not in need of anyone on their side, amirite?), and you call yourself a feminist? I mean, do what you want, but Jesus fucking Christ, there are no words.
Thanks, Nat for your refreshing maturity. I appreciate your perspective.
According to the moderator, Steve’s offense was based on the potential of him getting get away with implicitly blaming rape victims for being raped. Forget about the context of that statement, Arian’s behavior, or anything that may support a constructive and reasonable debate or make a case for Steve’s statement. From the point of view of the moderator –this is considered digression. Therefore, no true analysis is allowed to consider whether what occurred is applicable to feminist ideals.
The feminist perspective is moved forward by reasonable, responsible role models and those who have fought hard for those that do not have a voice or equal standing in society.
I see no point in attacking Steve or defending Arian or how blowing this situation out of proportion moves the feminist agenda forward. In fact, it is more important to challenge Arian to be a role model and an example of what is means to be a feminist and not excuse her for her inappropriate behavior. She has drawn disrespect from both genders, and in no way is moving the feminist agenda forward – if anything, she is hurting it.
This topic has moved away from principals that the movement and ideals were founded on.
I will not dissect your statements, nor will I be condescending here. It misses the whole point. There are plenty of feminists that share the same point of view as you.
I just wanted to say thanks, Nat, for you point well made!
I’m not excusing her behavior; it is simply not the point of this post. As I’ve made clear throughout this thread, making judgments about women’s behaviors and whether and to what extent they “cause” or “prevent” rape is exactly not the goal of feminist discourse. Additionally, I did not say that Arian was any emblem or role model of the feminist movement. That’s primarily because this post isn’t about Arian. It’s about what Steve Ward said to Arian. Are we clear on that yet? So, yeah, it is a digression to talk about her behavior, because it’s really not relevant to the fact that Steve Ward believes and promotes on national television the idea that victims can cause their own rapes. He would believe that shit regardless of what Arian or any other woman did or didn’t do.
I shouldn’t be laughing at this situation at all, but I admit that I’m laughing. I just find it hilarious that a person calling him/herself a feminist actually uses the phrase “dresses like a tramp” unironically as an insult to refer to a woman. What is this, the 50’s?
Seriously, though, that post is one long textbook screed of slut-shaming and victim-blaming. I don’t find it to be very helpful in fighting against sexual assault/rape. And I’m a bit sick of all the bile directed against Arian under the guise of concern for her well-being. I think she does have emotional issues and self-esteem problems. I also think that those problems are not going to be helped by people who imply that she’s a dirty whore who’s going to get herself raped.
Wow, I am a woman, but your comments are why I get so annoyed with women!! You grossly misconstrue statements for your own purpose. Steve said that the girl could get raped if she continued to act like a raging idiot. Is this is or is this not true? Very simple.
He did not say that she DESERVED to get raped, or that it would be her FAULT. Period.
If you walked around with a wad of cash hanging out of your pocket through a bad neighborhood, there is a possibility you would be robbed. Is it your fault? No. But it could happen.
Jesus H Christ I hate whiners.
I didn’t say he said she deserved it. I’m quite aware of what he did and did not say. My point here — I’ll lay it out again for you — is that telling Arian that her behavior would get her raped is inherently victim-blaming.
I am sure you won’t publish it but I wanted you to know that you are completely wrong and do women a fucking disservice!
Of course she has emotional and self-esteem problems. She’s a woman! This is a patriarchy!
So, so tired of the near-universal belief that “bad girls” get raped and “good girls” don’t. Or that “bad girls” should have done something differently and are partially to blame for some man deciding to rape them, whereas “good girls” didn’t do anything to deserve it. Anyone arguing “I don’t think she deserves to be raped but“–does think she deserves it, and is excusing the rapist’s behavior. This is the exact same argument used by defense lawyers to get rapists acquitted. “What was he supposed to think, she was wearing a short skirt.” Fucking spare me. An outfit is not consent! Walking down the street dressed how you please is not the same as wearing a sandwich board emblazoned “MEN PLEASE FUCK ME” and, you know what, that wouldn’t be consent either.
Men can control themselves in the presence of a scantily clad woman. They can, really, I promise. They choose not to, a lot of the time, because they’re assholes. Their being assholes is not the scantily clad woman’s fault. I have dressed “like a tramp” a lot of times in my life, when I was in college and thought it would get me attention–and I didn’t get raped then. I got raped in my pajamas at three in the morning in my boyfriend’s apartment. Why? Because that’s when a man happened to choose to rape me.
Fuck you, those are the people who need support the most.
And you know what, condemning someone and insulting her and telling her she’s going to “get herself” raped is not the best way to make her feel good about herself. If she doesn’t respect herself, it’s because she has been told all her life that she is only her body and her appearance and her clothing choices and if, when, she is assaulted well she should have thought of that before she dressed like a whore, whore. Because girls are taught at puberty by well-meaning parents that you have to watch out for boys because they all only want one thing. Nobody is teaching the boys not to fucking rape people. They get high fives and are supposed to be out to get laid, because that’s What Men Do.
And your bit about her being “overly sexual” smacks of the old definition of slut: “anyone who has sex more than I do”. There is no such thing as overly sexual. Different people are more or less sexual than other people, because, gasp, people are different. And! Guess what! It’s okay for people not to be like you!
I have to stop now because every time I try to go on this turns into a flame. I don’t want to do that on someone else’s blog.
I know that this may not be the focus of the moderator here, but, as blogs tend to go in various directions, as they have in this case, I will take the liberty to say my piece.
For many who are blogging about generalities about the character of men…I consider it very offensive. The character of the rapist does not represent the majority of men in this world. By misconstruing this fact, and generalizing men as having some monstrous inherent nature, you weaken your argument and support from the opposite sex.
I am not here to forgive those men who have committed such banal acts and I need to be clear that the victim of rape is not to blame for the rape. That being said, it was Arian’s behavior that Steve, the women and I found horrendous.
As mentioned by Joe on http://www.safercampus.com,”…if you are in a place where alcohol is present, inhibitions are decreased and poorer decisions are made. That combination alone makes for bad results. But when you add a woman who is telling complete strangers that she wants to have sex, feeling them up and asking if they are horny, lifting her skirt up to expose her private parts, bending over to show off her breasts to whomever will look, and other questionable actions, chances are increased that something bad will happen. I hope I am being clear that the woman is not to blame for rape, but that there are certain behaviors that increase the risk.”
So, wait, are you suggesting that I (the “moderator” of this blog) am generalizing all men in this blog post? Can you please quote something I’ve said that shows me generalizing about the “character of men”?
In my reading of this blog post and its comments, no one here is saying that all men rape (though I think some other commenters here think that most men would rape a woman who acted like Arian — and that they would be justified in doing so because she was basically asking for it).
April: See the thing about overtly sexual behavior-what does that mean?
Remember that case in Canada about a year ago where the judge let the rapist off because the three-year-old victim had been “sexually aggressive?”
“Sexually aggressive” is any excuse to avoid holding men and boys responsible for their behavior and attitudes towards women and girls.
I have never seen (or heard of) this TV show until just now so I cannot comment on it and I certainly know nothing about the host. However, the comment is blatant victim-blaming if I ever did see it. For those who claim it is not, I ask you to picture this situation with a complete reversal of gender. I have been to several parties at which a few men were extremely intoxicated, flashing others (if not partially naked for some extent of the night) and behaving quite “sexually aggressive” towards women (i.e. hitting on them or propositioning sex). Would anyone say that they were putting themselves in a situation to be raped? I’ve never heard it and I somehow doubt this man would ever say so to a man. The fact that this double standard exists alone is enough to justify outrage at this man’s comment.
The fact of the matter is, this victim-blaming is deep-set in a lot people, male and female, as it’s constantly reinforced. News reports of rapes always mention the woman’s state and surroundings when she was assaulted (‘She was alone’, ‘She had been drinking’, ‘She’d been flirting with him all night’) What they really should say it ‘HE took advantage of the fact that she happened to be alone/had been drinking’. This takes the blame off of the victim and emphasizes that the rapist is solely to blame and would likely have raped someone regardless.
How sick is it that we expect the innocent victims to change their behaviour with no mention of the behaviour of the perpetrator?!
How sick is it that we expect the innocent victims to change their behaviour with no mention of the behaviour of the perpetrator?!
Really fuckin’ sick.
L, keep on being awesome. I got about half way through some rape apologists comment and realised I couldn’t stomach anymore of that crap.
Thanks for trying, hellon. :)
Thank you.
“Men are not penis-driven animals without a modicum of self-control.”
Actually, that’s not quite correct. Some men are penis driven animals without a modicum of self-control. Not a lot, but some are. Most sexual aggressors don’t walk around raping indiscriminately, they usually have some kind of trigger. Could be a handshake or the sound of her voice, but it could be overly sexual behaviour. To say that the victim’s behaviour may trigger a response does NOT equal blaming the victim, or even apologizing for the rape. This isn’t about blaming or controlling female sexuality, it’s more about “erring on the side of caution”.
That said, I think in this context, the comment was inappropriate.
I think Steve was right about Arian’s psychological issues, but he was probably wrong to assume they are the only reason for her aggressive sexuality. Some women just like sex even when they worry that they may like it too much for a monogamous relationship which they desire and too much for society to deal with.
Right, but as a general rule, by and large, men as a class are able to control themselves and not rape others. Not all of them do control themselves, but almost all of them can.
As for the whole “not a lot of men rape” thing, 21 million likely rapists sounds like a metric fuck-ton to me. Obviously telling women to change their behavior isn’t working. We are still getting raped, one of us every minute.
Okay, and again, I ask, why do we as a culture spend so much time telling women to change their behavior when we have NO WAY OF KNOWING what rapists’ triggers are? Do you see how this is problematic? Do you see how telling women to change their lives in the name of “erring on the side of caution” makes them, in part, responsible for rapists’ triggers? Do you see how making women responsible for something they have NO CONTROL WHATSOEVER over inherently blames them for whatever may happen to them?
I just don’t get how you can, with a straight face, tell me that telling women not to do anything that might trigger a rapist is erring on the side of caution WHILE saying that anything could trigger a rapist. Seriously, what the fuck.
Well, L, logically you’re of course correct to point out that it’s pointless to identify some kind of behaviour as potentially more likely to trigger than some other if no one knows what the rapists triggers are. Fair point. I never said that her behaviour would be necessarily more likely to trigger than shaking hands but I can certainly see that some people would make that point. But I DO NOT think that telling someone to err on the side of caution equals BLAMING that person.
I absolutely agree, and I have agreed with that sentiment throughout this post and discussion thread. What I’m saying here is that what Steve Ward said to Arian does not amount to asking her to “err on the side of caution” — it amounts to blaming her for whatever some dude decides to do to her, shaming her for her sexually forward behavior by telling her that she’ll be partly if not entirely responsible for any rapes that dudes commit upon her.
This whole rape comment thing has been about the biggest trainwreck of a situation I’ve ever seen in my life. I post on another message board about this show, and I still can’t get over the nearly unanimous love for Steve (seriously? the guy’s a hilariously arrogant douchebag) and the unanimous loathing for Arian. She’s been called slut, whore, tramp, and every other name in the book. And seriously, is her behavior really that shocking? I don’t know about y’all, but I stopped being shocked by sexual acts between consenting adults years and years ago. I see more “shocking” and overtly sexual behavior from the gay boys at my local gay bar and I don’t see anyone yelling at them to stop being so slutty or they’ll end up raped.
And not to mention, did I miss something w/ Arian in the bar? Basically she referenced her breasts, made some sex jokes, and grabbed a guy’s leg under the table. And this is shocking, slutty behavior? Dear me. I’m pretty sure I might have done these things once or twice in my life. Now I’ll end up raped! (Not to mock a serious situation, but Jesus Christ on a cracker people!)
Basically I just want to send a shout out and a note of thanks to all the feminist bloggers that have posted in outrage over this incident and called it for what it was–a disgusting, victim-blaming statement. I just can’t take either the bile directed at Arian or the Steve Ward worship for one more second before I vomit all over his smug, egotistical face.
Thanks, April. I’m honestly surprised at the backlash this post has gotten from other (apparent) feminists and mainstreamers who happened upon my blog somehow. I shouldn’t be surprised, because this is how our culture is: blaming women for their own rapes is excellent, but holding men accountable for the rapes/SAs they commit is Very Wrong and maybe, with some ridiculous logical leaps, anti-feminist! I just can’t really wrap my mind around some of the comments posted here, let alone those posted at Alessia’s and SaferCampus. Amazing, baffling, WOWZA.
Same.
“But I DO NOT think that telling someone to err on the side of caution equals BLAMING that person.”
I think it does when there’s never EVER a counter to it. Men aren’t told to err on the side of caution lest they rape a woman.
Of course nothing a person does makes them get raped. Just like nothing someone does makes them get robbed. But I would still caution people against walking down a dark alley late at night wearing an expensive watch.
I was sexually assaulted at 17 while walking home. I took the bus home by myself late at night and decided to take a shorcut through an ally after getting off the bus. Was it my fault that I was assaulted? Of course not! But in hindsight I really, really wish I had taken a safter route home. I can’t ever take back what happened to me. It didn’t need to happen. I don’t blame myself but I sure as hell use more caution now and recommend that my friends and family do the same.
I certainly don’t think I’m telling them that if (heaven forbid) something did happen to them, it would be their fault. Of course not. I’m trying to encourage them to exercise caution. Predators seek opportunity. If you take a self-defense class they will tell you all about it. I appreciate that you are voicing your concern over the very real and all-too-common occurance of victim blaming. Just please be sure that’s what the issue is, lest we find ourselves in a world where people are afraid of advising others to be careful.
Let’s see… Checking, checking… Yup, that’s what the issue is.
Really, Drayke, please point out where in here I’ve said — or where others who are blogging about this issue have said — that being cautious is a bad idea.
For the record, since apparently no one can be bothered to actually read the post and the comments where I have addressed this ad nauseum: IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO BE CAUTIOUS. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND USE YOUR BEST JUDGMENT.
‘Kay? We good now?
FFS.
The problem remains, even when we tell women to be careful every time they leave the house (and often even when they don’t): women get raped, and men get away because of rhetoric like Steve Ward’s. When we spend so much time saying, well, here’s where you went wrong, you dumbass victim!, we are not talking about ways for men to NOT RAPE. I know we can both caution people to take care of themselves in the ways they can AND talk about what rape is and how men can not rape. I think we should. But we are not doing that, in part because of Steve Ward and VH1. That is what this post is about.
Before I respond, please understand I’m not your enemy. I understand your frustration, but there’s no need to be hostile toward me. I am not claiming that you said people shouldn’t be careful. My point (which I was perhaps not clear enough on) is that when someone like Steve Ward says something that sounds like blaming the victim, I feel it’s important to ask yourself, “Is he intending to blame the victim? Or was it a misguided attempt at being helpful?”
If it’s the latter, I think it would do a lot more good to try and educate, rather than accuse. He was (presumably) trying to express concern for her safety, which is not something I would discourage. However, he clearly had some things mixed up. He, like many others, could use a crash course in the reality of rape. But to simply dismiss him as a jerk doesn’t help anything. I applaud you for the letter you sent him attempting to educate him. I wasn’t criticizing you for that. My comment was intended as a general statement toward some of the more angry posters.
If we’re too quick to publicly crucify someone like Steve Ward, my fear is that people may begin to see rape as something they just shouldn’t ever bring up because they don’t know how to do it in a way that won’t offend others. I think that would be a mistake.
The way I see it, intent doesn’t matter very much in this situation. It’s obvious that Steve Ward was intending to help Arian. That’s the whole point of the show, right? To help women get boyfriends. At the moment being discussed in this show, Ward was “helping” Arian to see that her sexually aggressive behavior (which is not unlike many men’s flirtation style, in my opinion) will likely lead to her getting raped.
What Ward said to Arian was, of course, meant to help her. Obviously. But what Ward actually did was blame her — and all women like her — implicitly for being raped because she’s “too” sexually forward. That is not helpful, AND it’s something that every single woman in the US at least hears some form of before we even reach puberty.
Drayke, I should have said this in my first comment to you, and I’m sorry I didn’t: I’m sorry that you were sexually assaulted. I’m also glad that you don’t blame yourself for what happened to you. I was sexually assaulted by my then-boyfriend a few years ago, and it took me a couple years of therapy and healing to really see that what he did was in no way my fault. I was even an active feminist during that whole time — I had this blog for most of it. The time I spent thinking/believing that I invited the assault or made myself vulnerable to it or that I could have and should have seen it coming so I could prevent it was a really fucking hard time. I was not okay. I’m better now, but I wouldn’t have spent so much time blaming myself if I didn’t live in a culture where Steve Ward and people like him take the time to point out the ways that victims can “prevent” sexual assault instead of ways that potential rapists can prevent rape.
My point is that right now? It’s not clear in this culture or our legal system that the rapist is always, always, always at fault. The same goes for domestic violence — look at the Rihanna/Chris debacle. So many people think that Rihanna somehow “asked for it.” You simply cannot ask for your own rape or abuse. You can’t. But shit like what Ward spews legitimizes the viewpoint that victims are in part to blame for whatever happens to them.
As for “publicly crucifying” Steve Ward for his comments, well, he’s a public figure, and if he can’t take some criticism from the people who (used to) watch his show, maybe he ought to rethink his life. Obviously education and a more sensitive approach don’t help. I don’t know what the right answer is — but I’d rather help survivors/potential victims realize that what Steve Ward said is absolutely wrong.
I don’t think that this is a problem that will be coming up any time soon, and certainly not as the result of this blog and the three or four others that have touched on this topic. Ward is clearly not upset by this criticism — that’s blatant from his response to Thom and his discussion of the show afterward. If you go over to the VH1 blog post about this show, you’ll see that no one’s afraid of talking about rape, and a lot of people are talking about it from both Ward’s point of view and one like my own. So this worry is totally unfounded, I think.
I do think that it’s a good idea to talk about ways that we can discuss rape without blaming victims. My take on this is that we need to spend much, much more time talking to and about men who don’t understand what rape/sexual assault is legally. Silence doesn’t equal consent. Having sex with a drunk person isn’t a good idea, because you cannot legally consent to anything while inebriated. Those kinds of things. But I think we’ve come to the end of the usefulness of talking to women about what they can do to prevent or minimize the likelihood of rape. I dare anyone to find me a woman of sound mind who doesn’t understand the risks she takes on a daily basis by simply leaving the house, going to work, or trying to have a social life. We also need to further expand the conversation about rape/sexual assault to address women as perpetrators (especially as perpetrators of child sex crimes, but also as perpetrators of sexual assault against other adult women or men) and men as victims/survivors.
If Steve Ward really wanted to help these women, well, he wouldn’t have them do much of what he has them do on the show (i.e., he wouldn’t have them pose for “sexy” lingerie shoots or attend lingerie parties with dudes they hardly know). But he would also take the time to say more clearly that he thinks Arian’s behavior is self-destructive or otherwise dangerous because it illustrates that she doesn’t care much about herself (for example — I don’t know if that’s true), instead of trying to scare her into conforming by blaming her for her own potential rape. But, of course, this is VH1, so there’s no way to talk about rape honestly without sensationalizing it by blaming potential victims.
p.s. For the record, I agree that Steve has some obvious misconceptions about rape (in his later he pretty much says don’t be a tease, it’s dangerous) so I am not defending what he has said in particular. What I AM saying is that it is still wise to exercise caution. Perhaps if we attempted to tell someone like Steve a more appropriate way of expressing that someone should be careful, it would be more productive than basically saying, “He’s blaming the victim! Burn him!!!”
So what would you tell the Steve Wards of the world?
I’m very glad you asked.=) Please see my above post.
[...] to a viewer who was upset by the “she was asking for it” stance taken on the show, Steve replied: I want you to know that I in no way want anyone to believe I would ever “blame the victim” of [...]
I’m glad I don’t watch VH1. That won’t be changing anytime soon. However, the discussion itself is bringing out feelings of rage and revulsion. What I’m really disgusted about is the idea expressed by some socially-challenged individuals here that a woman can’t be sexual unless she has a low self esteem. Of course, this means she’s also a “whore,” a “slut,” a “tramp,” and most of all “going to get herself raped.” (The active voice in that sentence is repulsive. A victim doesn’t “get” herself raped. She does not instigate the interaction.) Guess what, if a man can’t handle looking at an attractive woman without raping her, he is the one to blame, he needs to be locked up like the subhuman he is, he needs to be kept away from decent society because he cannot control himself. If he’s a slave to his dick, he and his dick need to be put in a cage.
The entire analogy to wild animals is also foolish and ill-informed. A shark attacks prey to feed. A man rapes to control and violate a woman. See how one is necessary for survival and the other one is…well, not? It’s really not that difficult to understand.
I haven’t read your blog in awhile and I just now read this post. It was great. I learn a lot reading your thoughts and the comments left by some. I haven’t read all of the comments on this post yet (wow, there’s a lot!), so I don’t have anything to add to whatever discussion is happening right now in the comments section; instead, I just wanted to thank you for all that you put into this and for making it available to others.
I feel stupid for saying “thank you” in the previous comment (that phrase seems to sometimes be used in strange ways and I’m not always sure what it means for others in specific instances….). What I meant, and mean, is that I think your analysis is fantastic and very much needed.
I got what you meant. Thank you. :)
I love the show! I think Steve and his mom are just fine. Let’s remember, people go to them, they don’t just go out and bring them in. I think this is getting way too out of hand. Steve’s statement was fact. He did not in any way shape or form say it was a woman’s fault she was raped. But if we are all honest with ourselves, putting it out there and acting in an inappropriate manner can bring bad things upon yourself. He didn’t in any way say that justified or made rape okay or that is was the fault of the female. Rape is not okay period. He was just saying not to put yourself in that position. Mother’s tell their daughters that all the time. Don’t put yourself in dangerous positions because some men, penis-driven, will take advantage. I think alot of you women are just men haters too. There’s bad on both sides of the fence; male and female. There are alot of views and not just one is the only one that is right. Safeness and blessings to us all.
You’re welcome to uncritically watch the show. That you’re not seeing these things — or refuse to see them — is not evidence that my analysis is incorrect or that Steve Ward is doing the right thing.
Laura, please read carefully: women do not “put themselves in the position” of getting raped. RAPISTS RAPE. That is all. That is the end of the discussion. Rapists are the ones making the decision to rape, and their potential victims play no role in that decision. To assume or state that they do play a role in the rapist’s decision-making process is to place some or all of the blame for a rape on the victim’s shoulders. Victim-blaming forces victims into silence because they shouldn’t have been drinking, they shouldn’t have been wearing that outfit, they shouldn’t have gone off alone with that guy, and so on. So because they know they’ll be blamed for their actions, many of them don’t report these crimes to the police (or they do but there’s not enough evidence).
Rapists KNOW this and they COUNT ON this. They use this culture we’ve created — which feminists call rape culture — in order to rape with impunity. Take a look at this post:
Because the idea that rape victims are in part responsible for their rapes (which is a shameful feeling, let me tell you) leads to underreporting, rapists don’t get caught, and they continue raping.
Indeed, your post here reinforces the very culture that allows people to rape without consequences. It tells the potential rapists who stumble across it that if they do find a girl “in that position,” it’s okay to “take advantage” of her, because, really, it’s her fault, so she’ll never report it, and even if she did, no one would believe her because EVERYONE knows it’s really her fault.
Thanks so much for making rape culture stronger. Really appreciate that.
I’m not making any rape culture stronger. Not sure where you pulled that one from. You, as I, am entitled to your opinion. I was in a position once, that I put myself in and took myself out of, fortunately. Some women won’t be able to do that. I’m not putting blame on anyone. If you want to look at it that way, that’s your twist. What should really be the focus here is for women everywhere to be aware and prepared. End of discussion as you so put!! Just be aware.. if it happens it is the rapist actions; whether it be female or male. This isn’t one sided. As the study you pointed out states, not all rapists are created equal.
Do you honestly think women, including Arian in this episode, aren’t “aware and prepared”? Do you really think that Steve Ward is making a useful contribution to the conversation about how to stop rape by telling a woman (and thereby thousands of women who watch his show) that she needs to be careful because her behavior might “get her raped”? How many email forwards have you gotten about how women can protect themselves from the rapist in the bushes? (Here’s a takedown of one — you might see the silliness of the “tips” if you actually read it.)
An additional note.. the younger we start preparing our daughters and the youth of America that to be aware and careful is important, the better off we’ll be. It worked for me and thankfully I was prepared when I realized what was about to happen. As I said, some women won’t be able to change that. That doesn’t mean they are to blame. Taking steps to be safe isn’t saying the victim is to blame. That’s just not what is being said.
Ugh, for fuck’s sake.
What about preparing our sons for NOT RAPING? What about talking to boys and young men about what consent means and looks like? About respecting girls’ and women’s boundaries? About not taking advantage of girls and women when they are drunk/intoxicated?
As I’ve stated numerous times in this post and its comment thread, I am not advocating that people (women and men alike) go out into the world and take as many risks as they can. I’m saying that, when it comes to rape and women, EVERYTHING IS RISKY. I mean, the vast majority of rapes are committed by people who the victim knows. Exactly how does being “aware and prepared” come into play when it’s your boyfriend ignoring your pleas for him to stop? I heard all those tips too — I never left my drink unwatched, I rarely if ever leave the house alone in the dark, I pull my keys out early when I’m in a parking lot alone, I always make sure someone knows where I am and when I’ll be home. And yet, I was still raped.
My point is that you and Steve Ward and all those other people who make a distinct point to tell women what they should be doing (or what they should have done) to “protect” themselves are ignoring the real cause of the problem: rapists know they can get away with it because they know that women will be to blame in some way or another. And yes, by saying that women should be “aware and prepared,” you are placing some of the responsibility for rape on women’s shoulders. No, you’re not literally saying that, but that’s what your advice means practically. What if they do get raped, even if they heed this advice? Well, according to the logic of your advice, they were NOT aware and prepared enough — it was a failure on their part that led to the rape. We should not be talking about victims’ behavior at all, because it’s not victims’ behavior that is the problem here. It’s rapists’ behavior that needs to stop.
Wow.. this is such a one sided, tunnel zone thing for you. I assure you my son was raised quite properly, as you put it. As I stated and you ignored, all rapists are not created equal. Different situations will always be there. Rapists should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.. period!! Some situations, again as you put it, ie: your boyfriend.. whataya do? Hmm.. you come forward. That too is part of the teaching. If it does happen to you, come forward. Unfortunately, we don’t nor shall we ever live in a perfect world. Education and preparation does help. And again.. women are not the only victims. I wish you all the best to each and everyone of you. Hopefully if you or someone you know find themselves in a situation of rape or the potential thereof.. you, like me, can get yourself out of it and learn even more. Unfortunately, some are just going to happen and stepping forward and supporting those that have fallen victim and pushing for enforcement of charges to the full extent is all we can do. Quite frankly, I won’t write what I’d like to do to rapist. I never saw my potential raper again and did nothing.. for that I apologize and can only pray it ended with me. I’ll never know. Blessings to all.. I will write no more.
It’s not a “tunnel zone” thing for me. This is the subject of this post. We’re talking about rape and rape culture and rape apologism. Don’t condescend to me by implying that I only think about rape.
I’m glad you raised your son well. Obviously, you are in the minority, if you consider that (as I stated earlier in the comments to this post) there are probably about 21 million rapists in the US.
I don’t really get what you mean about all rapists not being created equal. Or maybe it’s that I don’t see how it’s relevant.
Yes, absolutely, all rapists SHOULD be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. But that is not the case. Yes, I agree, victims should come forward. MY POINT IS THIS: Victims do not come forward BECAUSE they feel they are partially at fault and/or because they know that police/lawyers will treat them as if it is their fault. If victims do not come forward, then there is no way rapists can be prosecuted. (And, really, even when victims do file charges, nothing comes of it, and/or they are “re-victimized” in court when defense attorneys cross-examine the victim by implying that their sexual history is relevant to the case.)
Do you see how saying “you should protect yourself from rape” leads to a victim-blaming mentality, which then prevents victims from reporting the crimes committed against them because they are “at fault” for those crimes in some way? There’s a direct line between statements like Steve Ward’s and the under-reporting you allude to with your charge to victims to just come forward.
Just one last note.. I am sorry you had to endure that horrible act. No one should have to go through that.
Thanks. I agree that no one should have to go through it. That’s why I wrote this post pointing out some of the language and behaviors we have normalized (namely, telling women that they can/will get themselves raped and that they should protect themselves from that, rather than spending energy stopping rapists from raping) so that perhaps someday no one will have to go through it again.